


Pastiche

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Brief mention of child molestation, Drugs, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Top Jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 16:06:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1556195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared’s just moved into a new apartment complex and immediately warned about his upstairs neighbor Jensen who is a bit eccentric.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pastiche

The sun soaked his shirt with sweat as he stood waiting for the landlord’s son to come show him the apartment. Jared had already been to three other places and was ready to find a place to call home. The move was sudden, impulsive even, but it had to be done, he had to get out of the tiny bubble of Flagstaff, the small town where everywhere he went he was bound to run into someone who knew him when really he just wanted to disappear for awhile. 

A kid, couldn’t be older than 16, came jogging over to him, one hand held tight to the back of his pants to keep them from sagging too low.

“Sorry, it took me so long, couldn’t find my dad’s keys,” the kid panted as he waved Jared toward the building.

“You sure you don’t want to wait for your dad to get here?” Jared asked as sweat dripped down his back. He really did not remember Phoenix being this goddamn hot, forgot people weren’t just exaggerating its excessiveness.. 

The kid shrugged, “Just me here today, ese, but I’m usually the one that shows people around anyway. I’m Javier,” the kid put out his hand to shake.

“Jared,” Jared said as he shook the kid’s sweaty hand. 

They made their way to the other end of the building and Javier let them into the empty apartment, cold, air-conditioned air, blasting them in the face and Jared immediately started feeling better about the whole thing.

“Awesome AC,” Jared commented as he looked around the little apartment, the walls baren, carpet appeared clean, looked much better than the previous place he’d checked out.

“Never have any complaints about not staying cool in our apartments,” Javier boasted, “We have a top of the line unit, plus our maintenance guy is always around keeping an eye on things.”

Jared walked around the apartment, two bedrooms down the hall, one bathroom, a living room, and kitchen. He didn’t need much and the space seemed adequate for just him seeing as how he would not be living with anyone for the foreseeable future. 

“What’s the neighborhood like?” Jared asked as he checked the water pressure of the shower and opened up all the cabinets. 

“It’s Phoenix, bro. But we haven’t had any major crime around here and all of our tenants seem like good people, haven’t had any real problems for years,” Javier said leaning back against the opposite wall watching Jared inspect the place. 

Out on the back patio Jared looked out at the setting sun, Phoenix really did have amazing sunsets, vibrant oranges and pinks across the sky as the sun slipped down below the mountains. As he stood staring out at the landscape he thought he heard something coming from the apartment above, he shushed Javier who was telling him about the laundry room down by the office, and listened more closely.

“You hear that?” Jared asked as he stuck his ear up toward the sky, bending over the railing. 

Javier moved closer and listened, “I don’t hear anything.”

“No, shush, listen,” Jared whispered as he continued to try and make out what he was hearing, “sounds like someone is singing.”

“Oh that’s probably Jensen,” Javier said as he stepped away and back towards the door to the kitchen.

“Jensen?” Jared asked.

Javier thumbed up towards the ceiling, “Your neighbor above you. Nice guy, always pays rent on time, but...he’s kinda weird.”

“Kinda weird?” Jared asked.

Javier shrugged, “Not in a ‘You really don’t want him as your neighbor’ weird but I mean he rarely leaves his apartment, won’t look you in the eye or carry on a conversation with you, keeps his head down...just weird...but makes a good neighbor! Don’t worry about that.”

“It’s kind of beautiful,” Jared admitted still straining to hear, “I kinda wish he’d sing a little louder.”

“Now that we don’t need,” Javier laughed as he pushed off the wall to head back inside, “He’s still got neighbors on either side of him, though they’ve never complained about him.”

“I’ll take it,” Jared said following Javier back into the apartment. Jared was ready to finally have a place and couldn’t find anything wrong with this one. 

Over the next week as the space began to fill with Jared’s things it started to feel more like a home. He recruited his best friend Chad to help him move all the big stuff like his tv, couch, and bed but expected Chad to skip out on anything more. To his surprise Chad stuck around for the whole move in process and they made a night of it drinking beer and ordering pizza. 

The apartment complex was nice, Javier was right when he said the neighbors all got along, Jared never left his apartment without someone waving at him. There was a nice atmosphere of community there and Jared loved that. He had come from a close-knit community up in Flagstaff and was afraid that leaving would leave him feeling lost in a big city like Phoenix. 

On Tuesday morning Jared left for work, the sun still slowly rising from the East as he made his way to the parking lot. Leaving the apartment above him at the same time was who Jared assumed was Jensen, the neighbor who was known to not be seen very often and who Jared heard singing occasionally at night if he were out on his back patio. When the heat of the desert wasn’t too much to bear, even at night, Jared would hang out on his patio in hopes of catching a few notes from the neighbor he had yet to see. Until now. 

Jared waited in the parking lot for his neighbor to pass by so that he could call over to him and finally meet the mystery man. 

Just as Javier said Jensen kept his head down as he walked, his hands held together up by his chest as they fidgeted, he wore loose jeans and a black tshirt with a long sleeve shirt underneath even though the sun was going to burn it up that afternoon. His hair was unkempt and a bit shaggy, like he’d just rolled out of bed, and he wore scuffed up chucks on his feet. Black rimmed glasses were perched on his nose and Jared could see, even from a distance, black gauges stretching his ears a little bit.

Jensen stopped when Jared yelled over to him but didn’t turn his attention Jared’s way. 

Jared jogged over to him and put out his hand, “Hey, I’m Jared, I live just below you in apartment 1E. Just moved in.”

Keeping his head down, not making eye contact, Jensen continued to stand there, not acknowledging Jared’s introduction. 

It was silent between them only the rushing morning traffic on the street and the birds carrying on their conversations were heard. Then just like he stopped with no words, he left with no words, leaving Jared standing there with his hand out. 

“Okay, maybe a little weird,” Jared said to himself as he watched Jensen walk away, turning onto the street and heading West. The man walked like he was trying to keep the rest of the world out, like he had absolutely no desire to be apart of it. Jared was intrigued by his upstairs neighbor. He felt it in him to want to know more about him, want to know more about his singing, about who he was, and what his mystery would reveal. 

Jared’s curiosity only deepened when he didn’t see Jensen coming or going for weeks after that. 

Tuesday morning, a few weeks later, Jared was at the grocery store picking up some essentials when he heard a commotion in the next aisle over. Jared went to investigate and found his neighbor with the freezer door open, hands covering his ears and shaking his head quickly while muttering to himself. An employee of the store was trying to help but clearly getting frustrated by how upset Jensen seemed. A crowd started to gather in the frozen foods aisle, all wanting to see what was going on and Jared suddenly felt very protective of his neighbor. He pushed his way through the group of people standing by and walked right up next to Jensen, the freezer air hitting his face when he got close. 

“Jensen, what’s wrong?” Jared said in a hushed voice so only Jensen could hear. The man shook his head more vigorously, he was visibly shaking, perspire at his temple despite the cold air, “Hey Jensen, it’s me Jared your neighbor, 1E, remember me? What can I do to help?”

“Outside,” Jensen spoke softly as he kept his hands up near his face and head down. 

Immediately Jared dropped their stuff and guided Jensen out of the store into the dry, hot air of the parking lot. The second they stepped foot outside Jensen left Jared’s side and started pacing along the shopping cart caddy, using the railing to steady himself as he kept his head down and breathed through whatever it was he was going through. 

Jared waited, stood off to the side, politely smiling at people walking passed as they glanced at the strange man muttering to himself by the shopping carts. He wasn’t sure what he should do but he figured giving Jensen time to calm down was the best choice. He was thankful for the shade of the building, protecting them from the morning’s intense sun but it didn’t keep his neck from starting to sweat. 

“How’d you know my name?” Jensen asked from where he was still clutching the railing.

As Jared took a step forward, Jensen took a step back so Jared stayed where he was, “Uh, Javier told me the day I moved in and well, Jensen is kind of a hard name to forget.”

“6’6”” Jensen stated.

Jared looked around a second, a bit confused, “What?”

“You’re six feet, six inches tall,” Jensen said still staring down at the ground.

“Oh..yeah I guess I am,” Jared answered drawing his brows together in confusion. 

“It helps me calm down,” Jensen explained as he put his hand up on the top of the shopping cart caddy, “this is 4’3”.”

Jared didn’t say anything right away, wasn’t really sure how to respond but he was happy Jensen seemed to be feeling better. 

“I’m not crazy,” Jensen said when Jared didn’t speak again. 

“I didn’t think you were,” Jared replied which was true he didn’t think Jensen was crazy but he was interested in what exactly had gone on in the store. 

“Most people think I am but I’m not,” Jensen went on, “I just get overwhelmed sometimes and end up having a panic attack.” 

Jared didn’t know much about panic attacks, sure he felt anxiety from time to time but he’d never had a panic attack from it. From witnessing Jensen though they did not look fun. 

“Want to go back in the store and finish shopping?” Jared asked. 

Jensen shook his head, “Not really but I need my groceries.”

“I’ll go with you, if that’ll help. All my stuff is still in there too,” Jared offered. 

“I’m not a child,” Jensen spat taking Jared by surprise. Jared tried to respond that he didn’t mean to imply he was but Jensen continued on, “It’s just people treat me like I’m some man-child who can’t do things for himself but I’m not I just,” Jensen started breathing erratically again, shutting his eyes tight as he shook his head vigorously.

“Hey,” Jared tried to soothe, “It’s okay, I know you’re not a child but I still have to finish my shopping so we can do it together if you want.”

Jensen calmed down again and nodded, “Yeah, okay,” Jensen agreed as they headed back into the store. They didn’t talk much at all except about what aisles they needed to go down to get their groceries. Jensen was very particular about the order of aisles they went down.

“I think toothpaste is down this way,” Jared said stopping at aisle.

Jensen kept walking and shook his head, “No.”

“Yeah, the sign says…”

“No,” Jensen cut off, “I mean, yes. Yes the toothpaste is down there but we have to go around.”

“What? Why?” Jared asked.

Squeezing his eyes shut tight Jensen grew more agitated, “There are cotton balls down that aisle. I can’t go that way. I have to walk around. Do what you want but I have to go around.”

“Okay, we’ll go around, no problem,” Jared assured as he skipped aisle three and headed down four.

Jensen’s tension eased up a bit as they walked, their shoulders brushing each other occasionally, and Jared was relieved to see Jensen relaxing a bit. But as soon as they got close to the freezer section Jensen stopped, turned away, and didn’t move.

“What’s wrong?” Jared asked. 

Jensen started fidgeting with the things in his basket, “They changed the packaging.”

“What?” Jared asked confused. 

Letting out an aggravated sigh Jensen went on to explain, “On the frozen broccoli I buy they changed the packaging and the cold air of the freezers bother me too much to stand there and figure out the right one to get which is why I had a panic attack earlier.”

“That’s what caused your panic attack?”

“Look, I’m not here to explain myself to you, think I’m crazy, go finish your own shopping, I’m fine,” Jensen snapped, the first time his voice being anything but the soft, smooth sound Jared had heard before. 

Jared put up his hands in defense, “I’m not judging you man, just trying to understand. I don’t mind going in there to get what you need so you don’t have to.”

Jensen didn’t say anything just kept looking down like he was thinking it over, “Really?” he asked sounding surprised that Jared would offer to help him. 

“Sure, just tell me what you need.”

“Cut not chopped.”

“Store brand or a name brand?”

“Store brand is fine.”

Jared walked down the aisle to where he met Jensen earlier stuck in a panic attack as the frigid air from the freezer held him trapped. Opening the door Jared peered in for Jensen’s store brand, cut broccoli, and pulled out a white bag with pink lettering and a picture of broccoli on the front. Jared didn’t think he’d ever bought frozen broccoli in his life so he wondered what the previous package looked like and how different it was. 

The rest of the shopping trip was uneventful, they got what they needed, and got out. When Jensen declined Jared’s offer to drive him back to their apartment complex Jared decided to just walk with Jensen and get his car later. 

Jared didn’t know what he was expecting but he was a bit stunned when Jensen shut the door to his apartment in his face only after saying a very quick and quiet, “Thanks”. 

Blinking at the number 2E in front of him, the morning events running through his head, he sighed out a “you’re welcome” and retreated back to his own apartment. Jared was a social guy, Jared liked having people around, liked hanging out, liked making new friends, and the hardest adjustment from moving out of a small town was only knowing a handful of people in the big city. There was a tiny bit of him who was disappointed he didn’t make enough of an impression to hold the attention of his mysterious neighbor but Jared tried to not take it too personally. He hoped that over time maybe they’d become friends or at least acquaintances. 

Although Jared continued to keep and eye and ear out for Jensen weeks went by before he showed up on his radar again. It had been a long and hot day at work, he’d forgotten to put on sunscreen until lunchtime and by then he’d already started burning on the brim of his nose. Jared was looking forward to getting home, taking a cooling shower, and then enjoying a night of beer and chips in front of his television. But as he peered into the fridge to grab his booze he heard a commotion upstairs. He listened again and could make out voices that he knew were not Jensen’s and someone banging on his door. Jared closed the fridge without grabbing a beer, slipped on his shoes by the door, and went to see what was going on. 

Up on Jensen’s doorstep were two guys who looked about Jensen’s age banging on his door. 

“Open up, Jensen! Come on, man!” a man, with straggly blonde hair that he’d attempted to pull back into a ponytail, yelled. 

The other man was a bit bigger, not as tall as Jared though, who had short curly hair and was sporting some black rimmed glasses similar to the ones he’d seen Jensen wear. Neither looked at all intimidating to Jared even though as he continued to stand there and watch they both grew more impatient with Jensen who was apparently refusing to open the door for them.

After a few more attempts to get Jensen to open his door, the curly haired one asked, “Should we just go?”

“No, he’s in there, I know it,” the other man said before yelling the next part of his sentence, “he just won’t open up the damn door!”

Jared figured it was time to intervene, “Hey, what’s going on?”

Both men stopped and turned towards Jared, the blonde one’s face twisted with annoyance, “Mind your own business.”

“Jensen okay?” Jared asked ignoring the blonde one’s response. 

At Jared’s question the curly haired one took a step towards him, “How do you know Jensen?”

“How do you?” it came out a little more accusatorial than he intended and the others definitely took offense to the tone. 

“Who the fuck are you?” the blonde one boomed as he took a few menacing steps toward Jared too so now he was in front of his other friend. 

“Downstairs neighbor.”

“Well go home, everything’s fine,” the blonde one spat, staring Jared down. 

“Doesn’t sound like it,” Jared challenged and really he didn’t know why he cared so much except that Jensen was obviously not wanting them to be there or he’d open up for them. 

“This isn’t any of your business, guy,” the blonde one said and Jared thought he could see a vein starting to bulge in his forehead. 

“Well, I’m making it my business. I’m staying right here ‘til Jensen lets you in or until you leave.”

Jared watched as the two guys looked at each other with disbelief at Jared’s words. The tension between the three was thick in the sticky evening air, not even the sun going down could cool off a night like this one. 

“Look pal, I don’t know who you think you are,” the curly haired one started to say as Jared stepped forward and he trailed off. 

“I’m not going anywhere until either you guys leave or Jensen opens up that door,” Jared said again as he crossed his arms over his chest defiantly. 

The blonde one groaned and turned back to the door for one more attempt at getting Jensen to open his door, “Come on man! Jason and I just want to talk!”

After several seconds of silence the blonde one let out an aggravated sigh, pulled at the other one, and they left. Jared watched them walk to their truck, get inside and drive away and then Jared went to Jensen’s door. 

He knocked lightly, “Hey Jensen it’s Jared from 1E, just wanted to see if you were okay.”

No answer. 

“Okay well I’ll be downstairs if you...uh, if you need anything.”

When there was no answer he headed back down to his place. A twinge of worry sat in his stomach the entire night about Jensen. He didn’t know who those guys were or what business they had with Jensen or why Jensen wasn’t opening his door to them. But he figured Jensen was a big boy and could take care of himself, despite Jared’s annoying urge to protect the guy he hardly knew. 

Before locking up for the night Jared stepped outside on his patio and looked up at the starless night sky. The air was warm against his face and smelled like city desert. If he were back home, back at his old home, it’d smell of pine trees and Jared felt a wave of homesickness hit him. Before he could delve deeper into that feeling singing from above caught his attention. Jared immediately perked up and bent over the railing to try and hear better. 

The anxiety he’d been carrying all night about Jensen drained away as he knew for sure he was alright now. Jared could have stayed just like he was, uncomfortably bent over a railing, for the rest of the night if Jensen had continued to sing all night. But after awhile the singing stopped and Jared assumed, Jensen went to bed, so so did he. 

The next afternoon he sat in a Taco Bell with his best friend Chad during their lunch break. 

“Why is it that anytime it’s your turn to pick where we eat you pick Taco Bell? I mean we live in Phoenix and could get some of the best authentic Mexican food around and yet you still pick this place.”

Chad chewed cheerfully as he smirked up at his friend, “Dude, you don’t come to Taco Bell to eat authentic Mexican food, you come to Taco Bell to eat Taco Bell.”

Jared just grinned as he ripped open the hot sauce packet and squeezed it out onto one of his tacos. 

Halfway through their meal their conversation changed to Jared telling Chad about the previous night with the guys at Jensen’s door.

“Jensen?” Chad asked between bites, “The one you went shopping with?”

Jared hadn’t told Chad the entire grocery store story mainly because he felt it really wasn’t a big deal but at some point it slipped out that he’d been hanging out with his new neighbor at the store. 

Jared went on to tell Chad about the two guys, how they were banging on the door, and how Jensen wouldn’t open up for them. Chad kept giving him this look like he couldn’t figure out why Jared cared so much about who was knocking on Jensen’s door since he didn’t really even know Jensen. And Jared didn’t even know himself. 

“Guy sounds weird,” Chad shrugged. 

“He’s not weird,” Jared defended. 

Chad paused before shoving the rest of his eighth taco into his mouth, “Everything you’ve told me about the guy makes him sound a bit crazy.”

“He’s not crazy!” Jared said louder than he intended and his heart was beating a bit faster than he could figure out why. 

“Dude, you fucking him or something?” Chad asked as he continued to eye Jared suspiciously. 

“What? No!” Jared denied as he crumpled his taco wrapper in his fist, “I just...I’ve talked to the guy and yeah maybe he’s a little different but he’s not crazy okay?” 

“Whatever,” Chad yawned as he stood up and walked over to dump his tray into the trashcan. 

The fact that Jared couldn’t pinpoint why he cared so much was starting to drive him crazy. But it was becoming more and more apparent that he did care and having his best friend think poorly of Jensen didn’t sit well with Jared at all. 

That night after work he pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex and saw Jensen with a female standing by a car Jared assumed was hers. The woman had red hair that laid flat against her back until she twisted it up into a bun on the top of her head. Jared watched the two of them interact, she seemed to be talking animatedly at him but he only occasionally brought his eyes to her face but when he did there was no annoyance or apprehension in his face it was obvious they were friends. Jared wondered if they were more than friends but that picture didn’t look right at all in his head and he even chuckled at the thought for some reason. 

It gnawed at Jared’s insides to not know more about his neighbor so before he could stop himself he was jumping out of his car and calling over to Jensen.

“Hey Jensen!” he hollered with a wave. Both Jensen and the woman turned his way, Jensen’s attention didn’t hold long before he was looking down at his feet again but the woman smiled wide before turning back to Jensen. It looked like she’d asked him something because he then saw Jensen shrug. 

Jared made his way over to them and said “hi” again but this time Jensen didn’t look up at all. The woman returned the greeting with another beautiful smile so Jared stuck out his hand to introduce himself, “Jared, I live just below Jensen.”

“I’m Danneel,” she said as she shook his hand before turning to Jensen, “Jensen! You didn’t tell me your new neighbor was a hottie. These are the types of things you should tell a girl!”

Jensen shrugged not meeting anyone’s eyes, “Didn’t think it’d matter since you’re not his type.”

Jared’s eyes widened as he and Danneel shared an equally surprised look with each other. 

“Wait, how did you even know that?” Jared asked smiling wide, it didn’t bother him that Jensen assumed he was gay because he was but he thought Jensen hadn’t paid him any attention. 

When Jensen didn’t offer any type of response Danneel stepped in, “Jensen has impeccable gay-dar, among other intuitions, and astute observations, has he done the height thing yet?”

“Yeah, first day we met actually,” Jared answered. 

They stood and chatted about nothing really in particular, Jensen fidgeting and never engaging in the conversation. 

Eventually Jensen just turned around and walked back to his apartment without a word. 

“He really is a good guy. Even if he doesn’t necessarily seem like it,” Danneel offered when their conversation died as they watched Jensen walk away. 

Jared’s eyes lingered in the direction of where Jensen walked, “Never thought otherwise.”

“So,” Danneel started, the atmosphere around them a tad awkward, “I heard you had the pleasure of meeting Steve and Jason last night.”

Jared turned his attention back to Danneel, she was leaning back against her car with her arms crossed against her chest, cheeks glossy underneath the parking lot’s orange lights. 

He thought back to the previous night with the two guys banging on Jensen’s door, “Yeah, who were they?” Jared asked. 

“They’re good guys too, not like Jensen, but they’re good friends and were just looking out for Jensen,” Danneel explained. 

Jared eyed her suspiciously suddenly not sure how he felt about her since she was defending the guys who seemed to be bugging Jensen more than anything.

“Don’t pretend like you know anything about the situation, Jared,” Danneel said pointedly.

“Then explain it to me.”

It really wasn’t Jared’s place to know and he knew that but he felt compelled to try. 

An amused smile played across Danneel’s face, “Has he told you he’s not a child yet?”

Jared thought back to their morning at the grocery store after his panic attack, he had mentioned to Jared outside after the attack that he wasn’t a child, that he didn’t need to be taken care of, that he just got overwhelmed at times, and nodded.

Danneel continued, “It’s because he’s not, his brain just works differently than yours or mine. He’s quiet, likes to be alone, takes a long time to warm up to people, if at all. He’s got some anxiety issues and other social difficulties but he’s incredibly compassionate, will talk your ear off if the topic is of interest to him, and is an amazing artist. Have you seen any of his work?

Jared shook his head, “I had no idea he was an artist.”

Danneel smiled proudly, “Painting is his specialty and nothing I can say will convey what he can do with a paintbrush, you really just have to see it for yourself.”

“I’d love to,” Jared confessed as his mind whirled about, taking in everything he’d just been told about his neighbor. Some of it he already knew but he felt like he was starting to understand Jensen a little bit better except for the two guys from the night before.

“So how do those two guys -Steve and Jason- fit into all of this?” Jared asked.

“Well, we’ve all been friends for awhile and we’ve seen Jensen go through...some stuff,” Danneel said like she wasn’t sure how much she really should be saying but a part of Jared wished she’d just tell him everything, he wanted to know everything, “so Chris and Jason are a bit overprotective of him at times. They have good intentions but sometimes they come on too strong and obviously Jensen is going to shut them out. I know better and give him room to breathe until things have settled.”

“What kind of stuff?” Jared asked even though he knew it was a nosy thing to ask but he figured he’d try anyway.

Danneel smiled again like she could read Jared’s thoughts, “Ex stuff but that’s Jensen’s story to share with you, not mine.”

Jared nodded, understanding. He, himself, had been through “ex stuff” and couldn’t imagine anyone being able to tell the story adequately other than him. 

“Well look Jared,” Danneel said as she pushed off the car and dug in her purse for her keys, “it’s been really nice getting to know you and you seem like a good guy. Thanks for looking out for Jensen, guy could always use another friend.”

“I don’t think he’s in the market for a new friend,” Jared laughed as he rubbed at the back of his neck nervously.

“I think he might surprise you,” she said with a knowing look in her eye that sparked excitement in Jared’s belly.

Danneel got into her car and started the ignition, she rolled down the window, “He really likes movies but going to one when it’s crowded won’t work, he likes to go to the first showing of the day.”

It took Jared a minute to realize why she told him that but then it hit him and he nodded thankfully. 

“Hey Danneel!” Jared yelled just as she was about to pull out of the parking lot and drive away.

“Yeah?”

“Is Jensen a musician?” Jared asked, “I know you said he was an artist but is music a part of that too?”

Danneel’s brows furrowed slightly, “A musician? No, why?”

“No reason,” Jared lied, maybe Jensen didn’t sing for other people, maybe it was something he only did when he thought no one could hear him, and Jared kind of liked that idea.

“I mean, Jensen’s friends are all musicians, Steve and Jason. And...well, Kane too. But not Jensen,” Danneel went on to explain.

“Kane?” Jared asked, a name he wasn’t familiar with yet. 

Danneel’s face twisted slightly, “The Ex.”

“Ah, well thanks, I was just wondering.”

Jared waved Danneel goodbye and walked back to his apartment. 

Jared didn’t see Jensen again for another couple of weeks until he ran into him unexpectedly in their complex’s laundry room late one night. 

The laundry room was lit with unflattering fluorescent lights and two of the walls were lined with washers and dryers with a large table in the middle of the room. Jensen glanced over when Jared walked in, he’d been folding towels at the table but didn’t say anything to Jared. 

“Hey!” Jared greeted with a smile and dropped the two laundry baskets he’d been carrying piled on top of one another onto the ground with a “thump”. Jensen just nodded and continued his folding.

“So, how’s it going?” Jared asked although he wasn’t expecting a response and he didn’t get one so he continued to blab on in hopes of striking a topic deemed interesting enough to Jensen. When he got to the topic of Danneel and their last encounter Jared was opening up one of the washers and shoving his clothes down into it. 

“She seems like a great friend,” Jared went on as he packed the washer full, “she even said that--”

“What are you doing?” Jensen asked almost harshly. 

The tone knocked Jared off kilter for a minute, “Just trying to get to know my neighbor but apparently--”

“Have you ever washed clothes before?” Jensen asked interrupting Jared again. 

“What?” 

“Your clothes,” Jensen said as he motioned to the overfilled washer, “have you ever done this before?”

Jared thought for a minute and then burst out laughing, “Wow, you know, I guess I haven’t. I moved right out of my mom’s house and into a boyfriend’s house who did it for me. So, yeah I guess I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing right now. What am I doing wrong? I mean it looks super simple, I really must be an idiot. I mean, they’re just clothes, how hard could it be? They make it look so easy on tv.”

“Stop talking,” Jensen said squeezing his eyes shut tight. 

Jared shut up immediately and watched as Jensen breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth slowly. 

After several long seconds Jensen opened his eyes again but kept them trained on the table, “You need to separate your clothes. Put your towels and whites together and use hot water.”

Jared started pulling everything out of the crammed washer and followed Jensen’s instructions putting his towels and whites into a new washer as it filled with hot water. 

“Everything else will be fine with cold water but don’t overfill the washer or you’ll break it,” Jensen explained.

When Jared was finished filling three different washers, one with towels and whites, the other two with the rest of his clothes, he turned to Jensen who had gone back to folding his clothes, “Thanks. I probably would have ruined my clothes or broken the washer without you.”

Jensen just nodded as he started to pile his freshly folded clothes into an empty laundry basket. 

“So...” Jared started, trying to think of something to keep Jensen from leaving, “seen any good movies lately?” When Jensen didn’t respond Jared continued on, “It has been so long since I’ve seen a good movie. I just moved down here from Flag and I’ve just been so busy getting settled and starting a new job that I haven’t had any time to just go hang out at the movies, you know?”

Jensen nodded.

“Hey, why don’t you and I go see a movie sometime?” Jared proposed, it was out of the blue and Jared could tell he was going to be shot down but he gave it a try anyway, “Say Tuesday morning? Tuesdays are one of my days off.”

“I do my grocery shopping on Tuesday mornings,” Jensen replied.

It wasn’t a “no”, Jared thought.

“Come to think of it, I should really get some groceries soon myself so maybe we could go after a movie?” Jared suggested, he felt like he was toeing the edge of a giant cliff and the anticipation of slipping off the edge was killing him. 

Jared watched as Jensen turned the idea over in his head which was way more than Jared could have hoped for. Jensen placed the final stack of clothes he’d folded into his laundry basket before he answered. 

“Okay.”

Jared was ecstatic but played it cool, “Awesome, I think the first showing is at 10:30am,” he actually knew this because he’d looked it up after Danneel had mentioned Jensen liking morning movies. Originally he didn’t even know movies played that early but sure enough most started every morning around 10:30am, “so why don’t we meet in the parking lot at 10?”

“I don’t like cars,” Jensen admitted as he picked up his laundry basket and headed towards the door.

Jared wasn’t entirely sure what that had to do with the movies, maybe he didn’t like car movies?

“Okay,” Jared replied. 

“I’ll have to take the bus to get there,” Jensen explained and now it made sense. Jensen didn’t like to ride in cars which is why he declined Jared’s offer to drive him home from the grocery store. 

“I don’t mind the bus,” Jared smiled and Jensen nodded as he turned to head out.

Incredibly pleased that he now had a date with Jensen, not necessarily a romantic date, to be honest he wasn’t even sure Jensen was into anything of the romantic nature, but a friendship date nonetheless. 

“Oh wait, Jensen!” Jared called out to Jensen as he bolted out trying to catch him before he made it back to his apartment. Jensen turned around and squinted against the porch light above him. “Any special instructions for the dryer?”

“Towels can go in on a high temperature and everything else can go in on a low temperature. Check the tags to be safe.”

“Thanks, see you Tuesday!” Jared’s face was cracked with the widest smile his cheeks hurt.

The bus stop was buzzing with people Tuesday morning. Jared stood off to the side leaning against a light post dressed in jeans and, despite the heat, a button up shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows. Even though it wasn’t a date he wanted to look good and although he’d only run his fingers through his hair he did shave after his shower. He checked the time on his phone then glanced down the street, the bus was in eyesight but still no Jensen. Before he got too carried away with disappointment he felt a presence at his side and turned to see Jensen. 

“Hey!” Jared smiled turning towards Jensen who was dressed in jeans and a similar dark tshirt Jared had seen him wear before with the long sleeve underneath. Jared wondered how he could stand to wear so many layers in the Phoenix heat. The morning sun goldened his hair more than it really was and Jared had to fight the urge trace the abundance of freckles across the bridge of his nose that Jared hadn’t noticed until then.

“Mornin’,” Jensen yawned, Jared hadn’t noticed at first but Jensen looked sleepy, adorably sleepy. 

“Not a morning person?” Jared asked as the bus pulled up and everyone lined up to board. 

When they’d found seats towards the back, Jensen offered Jared the window, and they sat down. 

“Does it count if you haven’t slept the night before?” Jensen asked, continuing from before. 

Jared looked at him surprised, “You haven’t slept?”

Shrugging, Jensen looked down at his hands which looked stained with paint he’d tried to scrub off, “Got caught up in work and didn’t realize what time it was ‘til the sun came up.”

“You could have slept instead of going to the movies,” Jared offered even though he was happy to have Jensen with him. 

“We had plans.”

Jared couldn’t help but smile so hard he thought his face would get stuck like that.

At the theatre there wasn’t a line of waiting people so they got their tickets right away. It was kind of nice compared to how it usually went at the movies with all the people around.

“You didn’t have to pay for me,” Jensen said as they headed towards the door, “but thanks.”

“You can get the snacks,” Jared smiled as he held the door open for Jensen to walk through. 

At the counter Jensen peered up at the menu and Jared caught himself staring at the way Jensen’s eyes roamed the board of snacks.

“You wanna share a large popcorn?” Jensen asked, not taking his eyes off the menu.

“Sounds great,” Jared replied, not taking his eyes off Jensen. 

Jensen continued to peer up at the menu, “We need candy too. I like Red Vines.”

Smiling wide, Jared nodded, “Red Vines are good.”

“Soda?”

“Dr. Pepper.”

Jensen walked up to the counter and the elderly man behind it welcomed them to the theatre, Jensen didn’t return the greeting but went right into giving the man their order, “We’d like one large popcorn, two large Dr. Peppers, and some Red Vines....please.”

The old man glanced between them and then gave a half smile, “One large popcorn, two large Dr. Peppers, and a Red Vine.”

“Yes thank you,” Jensen said quickly and when the older man went off to fill the order Jensen let out a visible breath he’d been holding in. It was obvious to Jared after watching Jensen a bit that social interactions weren’t always the easiest, even simple things like ordering at a concession stand. 

“You okay?” Jared asked.

“5’9”,” Jensen answered and Jared shot a look at the elderly man who had taken his order.

“How tall are you?” Jared asked. 

Jensen paused the fidgeting he had been doing and glanced over to Jared but never making eye contact, in the few times he’d hung out with Jensen he had yet to make eye contact.

“6’,” Jensen answered and visibly looked more relaxed. 

When their order was ready Jensen went to grab one of the sodas but immediately pulled his hand back like he’d been burned and instead reached for the popcorn and candy. 

“Do you mind grabbing my drink?” Jensen asked.

Jared grabbed both their drinks as they headed toward the theatre, “You really don’t like cold things, do you?”

Jensen shook his head, “I really don’t.”

“Phoenix must be perfect for you then since it’s rarely ever cold here,” Jared guessed. 

“I do like the weather.”

They walked into a completely empty theatre, Jared wondered if this was how most morning movies went and could see why Jensen would prefer being in a theatre with very little, if any, people in it. They sat in the first row of the second level with a railing in front of them they could prop their feet up on and chose the center seats. It was an ideal spot for movie watching. Jensen pushed the armrest between them up so the only thing between them was popcorn and Jared couldn’t help but smile at that. 

Inside the deserted theatre, Jensen seemed at ease and seemed much more comfortable in conversation with Jared than any time before. They talked about other movies they’d seen and Jared told Jensen it was the first time he’d ever seen a movie in the morning but he could see why Jensen liked it. 

“Wait,” Jensen said, appearing like he was turning things over in his head, “if you’d never been to a morning movie before why did you ask me to go to one?”

Jared thought for a second, he could lie and make up some excuse or he could just tell Jensen the truth about the conversation he had with Danneel.

“Danneel mentioned you liked morning movies,” Jared admitted as he watched Jensen visibly cringe.

“Danneel put you up to this?” Jensen asked voice thick with annoyance.

Jared could see this turning into an erupting volcano any second and that was the last thing he wanted, “No! I mean, we were talking that one night and I mentioned how I was hoping to get to know you better and I was the one who wanted to hang out with you but I just didn’t know how to go about it and that’s when Danneel let it slip that you liked morning movies. I promise Jensen, I didn’t ask you out out of pity.”

Jensen sat quiet for a few seconds as Jared’s heart thundered in his chest, he was worried Jensen was going to get up and leave, never to speak to Jared again. 

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you want to hang out with me?” Jensen asked keeping his eyes trained on the railing in front of them, or at least in that general direction, Jared wasn’t sure. 

Jared shrugged, suddenly feeling shy, “I don’t know, I mean, I’m new to the area and don’t know many people out here yet but I don’t know...I just...you appeal to me.”

“I appeal to you?” Jensen asked with confusion. 

“Okay, maybe appeal isn’t the right word but I find you interesting and I really just want to get to know you better,” Jared confessed as he watched Jensen think that over. 

When Jensen came to a conclusion in his mind he spoke again in his soft voice, annoyance no longer there, “I don’t like you talking to Danneel about me. If you want to know something, just ask me.”

“Deal,” Jared smiled, happy the crisis had been averted, “And I’m sorry.”.

The conversation was comfortable between them after that and by the time the lights dimmed as the previews began only one couple had joined them in the theatre, sitting several rows in front of them. 

When the movie started Jared had a hard time concentrating on anything other than Jensen, the way his face softened, the way he kept his eyes on the screen, engaged in the movie, the way his laugh sounded, it was a perfect sound and Jared was incredibly thankful they picked a comedy to see. Jensen was so engrossed in the movie that he didn’t notice Jared watching him. His long, dark eyelashes curling up behind his lenses, the curve of the lip ring pierced through the side of his lip made Jared wonder if it’d taste like metal or salt from the popcorn Jensen sucked off the tip of his thumb before grabbing another handful which was kind of gross if Jared thought about it but at the same time really endearing. 

Jared was hopeless. 

As they were shopping after the movie Jared realized that Jensen was buying the exact same things he did several weeks ago and asked him about it.

“I always buy the same things every week,” Jensen answered as he reached into the freezer to grab a box of frozen waffles. 

“Why?” Jared asked.

“Because I eat the same things every week,” Jensen replied, continuing to walk down the aisle to finish his shopping.

Jared followed along while looking through Jensen’s hand basket, “So every day you eat frozen waffles, a sandwich, I’m assuming by the bread and deli meat, an apple, chicken nuggets, chips, and broccoli?”

Down at the end of the aisle Jensen reached into the freezer quickly and pulled out a box holding it up for Jared to see, “and sometimes a Hot Pocket.”

Jared was in disbelief, “How do you live on the same foods week in and week out?”

Shrugging Jensen headed towards the checkout, “I eat the same things so that I don’t have to spend any extra time thinking about what to eat which means I don’t have to spend any extra time in the grocery store thinking about what to buy. I just buy the same things each time. It’s just the way my brain works. If I’m so caught up in my painting, which happens a lot, I can’t afford to waste time thinking about meaningless things. Sometimes I forget to eat period.”

As they stood in the line at the checkout Jared took notice to how thin Jensen actually was and the way his clothes draped around him.

“You watch me a lot,” Jensen said catching Jared off guard.

“What?”

“You watch me when you think I’m not paying attention. You were watching me just now, you watched me more than you watched the movie earlier, on the bus, that first night with Danneel. You think I’m oblivious to it but I’m not.”

Jared’s cheeks went warm as he tried to look anywhere but at Jensen, “Wow, you must think I’m a creep.”

Shrugging Jensen replied, “It’s okay, I’m used to people looking at me, especially in public but when you watch me it’s different.”

“What do you mean?” Jared asked bringing his eyes back to Jensen.

“With other people all they see is the weird or the crazy but with you it just seems like you’re studying me, trying to know everything and understand.”

Jared felt like he’d been caught red-handed by Jensen but Jensen didn’t seem upset or freaked out in the slightest. They reached the front of the line and started unloading their baskets onto the conveyor belt and Jared did his best not to watch Jensen but it was inevitable, he couldn’t help himself. He watched the way his thin muscles moved beneath his shirts and how his eyes only glanced up at the cashier for less than a second before they were back down towards the ground. 

“Do you think I’m weird?” Jared asked once they were outside and walking toward the bus stop.

Jensen shook his head, “I don’t think anyone is weird. I think ‘weird’ is just a made up concept to make people feel bad about themselves.”

Jared thought about that for a moment and it made him think Jensen had been made to feel bad about himself for being “weird”. 

Deciding to change the subject Jared ask about Jensen’s painting, “So, what is it that you paint?”

“Canvas,” Jensen deadpanned. 

“No, I mean like what types of paintings...” and then Jared stopped when he realized Jensen was joking, “Oh okay, I see how it is,” Jared laughed as they boarded the bus that had arrived. 

“I paint a lot of different things but mostly surrealism and expressionism,” Jensen explained, Jared sitting, quietly listening to Jensen go on about the different types of -isms there are with painting. It was the most Jensen had said the entire trip but Jared drank in every word.

By the time they reached their stop Jensen was breathless from telling Jared so much about art but Jared was incredibly intrigued, “It sounds really fascinating. Danneel said you were an unbelievable artist.”

“Really? She said that?” Jensen asked with genuine surprise.

They got off the bus and headed towards their apartment, the sun high and unyielding in the sky as sweat started to trickle down Jared’s neck, and his stomach grumbled with hunger.

“She said you were amazing,” Jared said. 

When they reached the complex Jared stopped at the stairs, Jensen looked down at him, “Would you like to see some of my stuff?”

A smile danced across Jared’s face, “I’d love to, let me just drop off my groceries.”

Inside Jared’s apartment he hastily shoved his grocery bags into his refrigerator and bolted out of his apartment and up the stairs to Jensen’s. 

On the inside Jensen’s place didn’t look at all like a home but rather an art studio. The carpet had been pulled out leaving a paint splattered concrete floor, it was warm inside with the AC on but both front and back windows open for ventilation, there was no furniture except a ratty old couch in the corner and the rest of the front room full of a work bench, easels, paints, a small table full of other art supplies, and drying canvases drenched in the most beautiful colors Jared had ever seen. 

Jared took a closer look at one of the pieces Jensen had put up on an easel, it was exactly like Danneel had said, indescribable and something you just had to see. The painting felt more than it looked. Jared felt a genuine sense of serenity staring at the piece of artwork before him and he couldn’t take his eyes off it. 

“These are breathtaking,” Jared breathed, Jensen sat on the couch patiently off in the corner looking down at his shoes while Jared continued staring at the paintings, “People would probably pay lots of good money for these, Jensen.”

“They do,” Jensen said quietly. 

“Do you have a gallery?” Jared asked impressed. 

Jensen picked at a loose thread on his jeans as he told Jared about his work, “There is a gallery that displays my work, yes.”

Jared’s jaw dropped, “That is so awesome. So people buy your work and then display it in their homes or businesses or whatever?”

Shrugging Jensen continued to fidget in his seat, “I don’t know. I’m not involved in that part. I just paint then Misha comes, picks them up, then at some point I get a check.”

“Misha?”

“My asshole art dealer,” Jensen said nonchalantly. 

“Not a friend of yours I take it?” Jared laughed.

Jensen shook his head, “Don’t get me wrong, he’s an amazing art dealer and does his job very well but I hate him. I genuinely hate him.”

“Then why do you work with him?”

“Because he knows what he’s doing and he’s the best at the job. He turns my reclusiveness into a marketing tool so that I never have to make an appearance at the gallery or meet with buyers. I’m apparently a mystery and that’s part of why there’s such a high demand for my work,” Jensen explained as his fidgeting increased, clearly uncomfortable talking business.

Jared decided to change the subject just as his stomach growled audibly causing Jensen to look up for once. Smiling Jared offered to make them some lunch but Jensen declined at first. 

“Come on, it’ll be good, I promise,” Jared persuaded, “Let me cook you a real meal that wasn’t frozen first, you can even get some work done while I make it!”

Jensen glanced around the room but Jared could tell he was going to agree, “Okay but if I don’t answer when you come get me--”

“You’re caught up in your work and can’t be bothered,” Jared finished with a smile, just happy that Jensen agreed in the first place, “You can always reheat it later it’ll still be better than whatever frozen food you’d consume instead.”

Smells of grilled teriyaki chicken and steamed veggies filled Jared’s apartment as he finalized the meal he was preparing for Jensen and himself. He’d had such a great morning with Jensen and now he was going to continue the day with him eating a delicious home cooked meal. 

When Jared went up to get Jensen for lunch the door was opened by a sleepy, bed-headed, Jensen who had apparently just woken up from a nap.

“Lunch is ready, do you want to come eat or go back to bed?” Jared asked trying to hide his amusement with how adorably sleepy Jensen was. 

“Food,” Jensen mumbled blinking against the sun shining in through the open door where Jared stood. 

Smiling Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand, noticing how cold it was in his warm hand, and pulled him along to his apartment where their meal awaited them. 

At first the meal was quiet until Jensen started to perk up with energy from the food. 

“I forgot how good food can taste,” Jensen said around a bite of chicken. 

Jared beamed, “I’m glad you like it.”

“I can’t even remember the last time I had a home-cooked meal,” Jensen said shoveling more of the steamed veggies into his mouth. 

“None of your friends or family cook?” Jared asked, he watched as Jensen took another big bite of chicken, closing his eyes as he chewed slowly, savoring every bit of it. 

Shaking his head Jensen swallowed before answering, “Don’t have any family and I don’t think any of my friends know how to cook...except maybe Steve but he’s all about the organic, vegan, gluten-free shit that just tastes like cardboard.”

Jared smiled at the admission about Steve, he couldn’t help but hold a bit of a grudge against the guy. Thinking about the first part of Jensen’s answer Jared frowned, “You don’t have any family?”

“Nah, I ran away at fifteen and haven’t seen them since,” Jensen answered like he was talking about the weather. 

At a loss for words Jared didn’t say anything, everything that popped into his head just sounded like a lame attempt at comfort which Jensen clearly didn’t need. 

Jensen stopped eating and looked up over the rims of his glasses at Jared, “It’s really not a big deal. My parents just didn’t know how to deal with someone like me and I didn’t know how to deal with them, it was just better we went our separate ways.”

“They’re your parents though.”

Jensen shrugged, “They started me on medication when I was like 6 and I lived like a zombie until I was 12 which is when I stopped taking the drugs and that’s when the real fun started. After a few years of...stuff I couldn’t take it anymore and bolted.”

“Where did you go?” Jared asked as he pictured a teenage Jensen with nowhere to go, it made his heart hurt. 

“Christian’s. He was the only friend I had who was old enough to have a place of his own, Danneel and the guys were still in high school like I was and I’d met Christian a year before by the guy I buy pot from.”

“Sounds rough.”

“Wasn’t so bad,” Jensen replied, he went on to tell Jared about how he idolized the guy, he was older and cooler, how he didn’t take shit from anyone, and how he didn’t try to ignore Jensen’s “crazy” like his parents did, “He was there when I needed someone the most.”

“So what happened?” Jared asked as he gathered their empty plates and dumped them in the sink before grabbing two more beers from the fridge and returning to the table with Jensen.

Jensen took a swig from the bottle handed to him by Jared and continued, “I turned into someone I’m not. Christian has some vices that rubbed off on me. I drank way too much for a kid my age, I moved onto harder drugs, I dropped out of school, I stole shit, I did ‘street art’ which is just jackass for ‘vandalism’. I just stopped caring about everything, not that I care for too much now, but I stopped talking to the guys and Danneel, and I hated myself for it. And Chris didn’t care about any of it, he encouraged it. I stopped being a person to him and just became like this object but I felt like I owed him my life because he took me in. Danneel says we had a really unhealthy relationship but that I was too close to the situation to see it.”

Jensen picked at the label on the beer bottle without looking at Jared, “Wow, I am saying a lot. So, that chicken you made was really great.”

“Way too change the subject,” Jared smirked as he watched Jensen relax fractionally with the subject change, “Thanks about the chicken, everything I know, I learned from my mom. It was just me and her growing up, I never knew my dad, so by the time I could stand up on a kitchen chair she had me in the kitchen with her learning how to do it. It helps that I really enjoy it although I’ve come to realize that cooking just for myself is kinda lame.”

“Why’d you move to Phoenix?” Jensen asked.

“Speaking of unhealthy relationships,” Jared joked as he leaned back in his chair and thought back to what he’d left up in Flagstaff, “I was in this pretty serious relationship where I thought we were happy and headed somewhere but then I found out that he cheated on me repeatedly, get this, with a girl!”

Jensen laughed at that, catching Jared off guard making him laugh as well, “What is so funny?”

“Gender shouldn’t matter, cheating is cheating,” Jensen said a small smile still sticking to his face.

“I can’t believe you laughed at me,” Jared pouted playfully. 

Jensen’s eyes traced up to Jared’s face to make sure he wasn’t offended, “What? I laugh at stuff.”

“I know,” Jared smiled, “I heard you laugh like nine times today.”

“You’re counting?” Jensen asked, green eyes wide.

Dropping his eyes to the table Jared’s smile never faltered as he answered, “I’d never heard you laugh before so it was nice when we were at the movies. I’m glad we picked a comedy.”

“You know, real life is never like the movies,” Jensen said making Jared raise his eyes to him again with a questioning look, “In the movies the person who screws up usually realizes how bad they screwed up and then goes through all this stuff to try and win the other person back but here we are, two examples of failed relationships and no one is trying to win anyone back, everyone’s just moved on.”

Jared thought about the example for a second, “What makes you think I’ve moved on?”

“Jared,” It was the first time Jensen had ever said Jared’s name and he really liked how it sounded, “since day one you’ve tried your hardest to insert yourself into my life.”

“How do you know I’m not just trying to fill a hole?” Jared argued as he held up his beer bottle before taking a swig from it.

Jensen just smirked.

“Oh! Who knew Jensen Ackles, elusive recluse, also had a dirty mind!” Jared laughed.

It was quiet again between them for a moment before Jensen asked more seriously, “Are you?”

“To be honest,” Jared started quietly, “I don’t know.”

“I’m not a very good friend,” Jensen admitted, “which is why I only have three.”

“And now me,” Jared said hoping.

Jensen stared down at the table before bringing his eyes to Jared’s briefly, “And now you...I’m like you said though, elusive, a recluse, I get lost in my own head a lot, I don’t like to look people in the eye, I don’t always know what’s appropriate in social situations and I have panic attacks.”

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life,” Jared offered.

“Does anyone?”

Jared didn’t know it then but that afternoon was the start of something between him and Jensen. After successfully convincing Jensen to let Jared cook for him periodically they fell into a comfortable rhythm. It started out just being every Tuesday, one of Jared’s days off, sometimes they’d catch a morning movie if there was anything worth seeing and then go grocery shopping. Jensen pitched in with grocery money since he started eating more and more over at Jared’s then they’d hang out the rest of the day. 

It wasn’t always easy and sometimes it was incredibly frustrating when they’d make tentative plans that would get buried under Jensen’s dedication to his work. There was one week were Jensen turned down every invitation to eat because he was so drenched in his paintings he couldn’t pull himself away. Jared wasn’t sure how he was sustaining, he must be taking time to eat the frozen crap in his freezer, Jared thought. 

One night after not seeing or hearing from Jensen for over a week Jared thought maybe he should try and get a hold of Danneel just to make sure Jensen was okay. Jared wasn’t always home to see Jensen or any of his friends come and go so maybe it was just him who was being ignored. But as Jared sat out on his back patio rolling his phone over in his hand he heard Jensen start singing up above. 

He walked over to the railing for a better listen. Jensen sang like he was from Texas, or how Jared pictured good ole country boys to sing because that’s how it sounded to him. When Jensen spoke it was soft and quiet but when he sang it was deep and smooth with a little bit of twang to it that made him think of old pickup trucks and shots of whiskey. Tonight the song sounded sad and, although he was relieved to hear Jensen was okay, the song left a lead brick in his gut. Jared wondered if he’d ever get a good look inside his neighbor’s brain.

The weekend had come to a close, Jared had spent most of it playing xbox with Chad and trying not to spend too much time thinking about how he hadn’t heard from Jensen in awhile. He was also trying to ignore how much he actually missed Jensen. 

Chad had gone home and as Jared was picking up around his apartment before bed he heard a knock at his front door. 

“Chad, it’s late, I’m tired, go home!” he yelled jokingly as he swung open the door and his heart stopped at the sight of a sick looking Jensen leaning heavily against the doorway..

“‘m sorry, I can just go,” Jensen mumbled as he went to turn away but Jared stopped him and pulled him inside.

Jensen felt so frail beneath Jared’s hands as he lead him to the couch and sat him down, “What’s going on Jensen, are you okay?”

Staring down at his hands Jensen shrugged, “I don’t think I feel well.”

“What happened? Where have you been the last two weeks?” Jared asked as he went to get Jensen some water. 

Jensen drank the water down gratefully and Jared watched as the glass shook slightly in his hands. 

“There was a mix up with my meds at the pharmacy,” Jensen started to explain as he sat on Jared’s couch and stared at the glass in his hand, Jared sat next to him, only their knees touching, “They didn’t have my usual order and I started to have a panic attack. I don’t really remember exactly what happened with that but apparently they called my psychiatrist who told them to give me a similar but slightly different medication along with the medications they did have available.”

Jensen took a deep breath and started jiggling his legs causing vibrations to go through Jared as well. Jared could feel the anxiety rolling off of Jensen in waves and crashing all around him, he wanted to wrap his arms around Jensen, wanted to make him feel safe but knew they weren’t there.

“I tried to take the medication they gave me but within a couple hours I was puking and I didn’t stop for hours. Then I just shut down for...I don’t know how long...I don’t even know how long it’s been since everything started,” Jensen drank down more of the water and when he finished it Jared got up to refill the glass for him, “When I’m off my meds, I sometimes have a hard time figuring out what’s real or not, so to help ground me,” Jensen paused and pulled at one of his sleeves to reveal freshly sliced skin, hastily wrapped in toilet paper with dark red blotting the white.

“Jesus,” Jared gasped as he took Jensen’s arm into his hand to inspect, “Jensen, please, you have to let me clean this up.”

Nodding Jensen agreed and Jared got up to retrieve a first aid kit from his bathroom. As carefully as he could he pushed back both sleeves of Jensen’s shirt revealing both arms blemished by blades. Jared could see where old scars had been reopened and his heart felt heavy. He cleaned away the drying blood and blotted at the cuts with peroxide but Jensen didn’t wince once, just sat staring down at himself. Treating Jensen like a porcelain doll Jared carefully wrapped his arms in fresh bandages and disposed of the mess. 

When Jared returned to the couch Jensen was leaning heavily against the cushions, exhaustion taking over him as he blinked back sleep. 

“Thanks,” Jensen whispered sounding so small, “I don’t know why exactly I came over...”

“Hey, you can come over anytime you want,” Jared said sitting a little closer, “you can also call me anytime you want.”

“I don’t know where my phone is,” Jensen replied as his eyes dipped closed for a second before he shook himself awake.

Jared smiled slightly at the sight, “Jensen, I’m going to make you some soup and I’m going to make you eat all of it okay? Then you can sleep as much as you want.”

“No, Jared you don’t have to, I should head on home,” Jensen pathetically tried to argue but his body won out when it wouldn’t budge from the couch. 

In the kitchen as he warmed up a can of soup in the microwave he thought about shooting Danneel a text in case she’d been worried about Jensen but then decided not to in case Jensen didn’t want anyone else to know about the week he had. Jared figured that unless Danneel tried to get ahold of Jared he’d just let Jensen deal with his friends on his own. 

The microwave beeped indicating it was done and Jared brought the soup in a bowl out for Jensen to eat. Nudging Jensen’s leg he woke up and took the bowl from Jared before slowly spooning the soup into his mouth. 

Jared sat quietly as he watched Jensen eat, he was pale with dark bags circling his eyes, his hair was dirty as was his shirt, and Jared couldn’t help but feel a pain of sadness for his friend. He couldn’t imagine fighting a battle inside his own head and by the look of Jensen it didn’t seem easy. 

When the soup was finished Jensen put up no fight when Jared guided him to lay down across the couch. Slipping Jensen’s feet out of his shoes, Jared tried to make him comfortable and grabbed a blanket from his bed, draping it across Jensen. Jared slipped Jensen’s glasses off his face and set them on the coffee table in front of him. He stared down at his friend feeling helpless, there was nothing else he could do for him except let him sleep. 

For awhile Jared sat in the chair in the living room in case Jensen woke up and needed anything. Jared sent Chad a text saying he really needed to either switch his Monday shift for Tuesday or someone to just cover his Monday shift and Chad told him not to worry about it. He now had the next two days off to help Jensen figure out how to get him better. 

At some point Jared dozed off before waking to Jensen thrashing and yelling in his sleep. Immediately Jared went to the couch and tried to wake Jensen but nothing helped until Jared threw his arms around Jensen, holding him tightly against him. 

“It’s okay Jensen, shh, it’s okay,” Jared coaxed in his ear, “You’re okay.”

After several minutes Jensen calmed down and Jared maneuvered them into a laying position, Jensen still wrapped in Jared’s arms between him and the back of the couch. He didn’t know what else to do but he didn’t want to disturb Jensen who had already quieted back down and was sleeping seemingly peaceful again. 

Soon fatigue overtook him too and he was off into a dreamless sleep with Jensen breathing softly upon his neck. 

When the sun started to rise the next morning Jared woke up and noticed Jensen was drenched in a cold sweat as he laid pressed tightly against Jared’s chest, he was shivering despite sharing Jared’s body heat.

The blanket was tangled around their feet but Jared managed to pull it up and over Jensen without waking him. Instinctively, Jensen burrowed in closer against Jared under the blanket and Jared tried really hard not to think about how close they were and how soft Jensen’s hair was against his cheek. He also tried really hard not to think about how right and good it felt to have Jensen pressed up to him, wrapped in his arms, and Jared fought the strongest urge to press his lips to Jensen’s temple. 

But it was difficult because Jensen did feel right laying there pressed to Jared and Jared wouldn’t mind if they laid there all day. Jared didn’t really know where his head was at, since the very beginning he’d taken interest in Jensen but over time Jensen never really seemed to share the same interest. He tried to not want this, he tried to convince himself that he was just caught up in the moment of helping out a friend, and that was strictly what he was feeling, something totally platonic. 

Jared drifted in and out of sleep with these thoughts poking his mind and before too long Jensen started to stir. At first Jensen just slowly pulled away still halfway in dreamland and then blinked his eyes open. 

Rubbing at his face, a look of confusion burned in his expressions, “Jared?” 

Immediately Jensen bolted up and started looking around frantically.

“Hey, Jensen it’s okay, you’re at my place,” Jared said as he sat up and distanced himself on the couch so that they were on opposite ends, “Here,” he said handing Jensen his glasses. 

Jensen took them and put them on as he continued to look around and then down at his bandaged arms, “What the hell happened?” 

Jared explained the previous night, the entire time Jensen sat as his anxieties manifested as he couldn’t sit still, constantly fidgeting, pulling at his clothes, fixing his glasses, breathing erratically, until he finally stood up and started pacing. 

“I figured we could call the pharmacy and see if your meds were in this morning and then I’d go pick them up,” Jared said as he sat and watched Jensen pace anxiously across the floor, he wasn’t even sure Jensen was listening to him or whatever was going on inside his head but then Jensen’s head snapped over to his, brows drawn together in worry.

“Don’t leave me here alone,” Jensen said, voice shaky with worry and exhaustion. 

Jared got up to cross the space between them but Jensen backed away like a frightened animal. 

Letting out a heavy sigh Jared moved back towards the couch, “Okay then you’ll come to the pharmacy with me.”

As Jared walked to the kitchen he pulled out his phone and called the pharmacy, he filled up a glass of water for Jensen, and on his way to giving it to Jensen a pharmacist picked up. Jared watched as Jensen drank down the entire glass while he relayed information over the phone to get information about Jensen’s medicine. They had the correct order ready for pickup so Jared grabbed his keys and they headed out. 

The street was busy like it usually was for a Monday morning, the sun warm against their backs, Jared dreaded the walk back to the apartment where the sun was going to be hot against their faces. Jared continued to glance over at Jensen who kept his hands up near his face, sometimes covering his ears, and looked so lost inside himself. There was pain written across his face and Jared just wanted to make it all go away, he wanted to pull Jensen into his arms, and make him feel safe. 

Thankfully, the pharmacy was significantly less busy than the street outside and they were able to walk right up to the counter. 

A beautiful black-haired woman stood behind the counter in her blindingly white lab coat tapping away on the computer. When she saw them approach her attention immediately focused on them and asked what she could help them with. 

“We’re here for a pickup,” Jared said glancing towards Jensen who stood slightly to the right of him, eyes shut tight with his head bowed, “Name is Jensen Ackles.”

“Oh right, you guys just called,” the woman smiled a comforting smile and it did well for Jared’s nerves. He glanced over at Jensen who was still fidgeting nervously, running a hand down his face, as he continued to keep his eyes shut tight. It was hard to imagine what Jensen must be going through, to have something that a nice smile from an employee could not fix, and to have to depend on medicine to help even the tiniest bit. Jared realized that Jensen was one of the strongest people he knew, that every day he had to wake up and face his fears and anxieties head on, that although many people shared what he experienced, the ones closest to him did not and therefore wouldn’t be able to relate and understand what it was exactly he delt with every single day. His heart swelled with compassion for his friend.

As the pharmacist went back to retrieve the medication Jared continued to think about what it might be like to live as Jensen for even just a day. He admired him, admired his strength and resilience to not lay down and let the world swallow him whole. 

The pharmacist returned, the comforting smile still on her face, and rang up the order. They paid and headed outside where Jensen took the bag from Jared and immediately began to open the bag to get to the pill bottle inside. 

When Jared saw that Jensen was going to take his medicine immediately he asked if he wanted Jared to run back and buy him a water but Jensen shook his head “no” and swallowed the pill dry. 

Back at the apartment complex Jensen didn’t go home, instead he followed Jared into his apartment and continued to pace and mutter to himself inside.

“Jensen, I’m going to make you some breakfast,” Jared said as he walked towards the kitchen, he continued to glance through the cutout in the partial wall that split the kitchen and living room to keep an eye on Jensen who eventually started to calm down. 

By the time Jared had scrambled some eggs, fried bacon, and made toast and coffee, Jensen was sitting back down on Jared’s couch with his head in his hands. Jared put the plate of food and a mug of hot coffee down in front of him on the coffee table. 

The air conditioner whirled to life filling the silence that hung between them as they ate or in Jensen’s case, picked at his food. Jared was pretty sure Jensen took a total of five bites by the time Jared had finished his full plate of food. 

“Not hungry?” Jared asked, “or would you like me to make you something else? I have some cereal or I think I have some--”

“No, I’m fine, thank you,” Jensen said blearily, he sat back on the couch leaning heavily against the cushions like the night before, “I think I’m just gonna lay down for a little bit if that’s okay.”

“Of course,” Jared said quietly as he watched Jensen’s eyes droop shut and his body relax more against the couch, “Jensen I’m gonna go up to your place and try and find your phone.”

Jensen only nodded.

Inside Jensen’s apartment was stale, the smell of paint dominating his senses as he navigated his way around the living room looking for Jensen’s phone. He moved onto the kitchen in search of the missing phone but just found a plate of rotting food in the sink. After disposing of the food he looked into the fridge to find it barren. The state of the apartment made it apparent that Jensen had had a really awful week. He moved onto the bedroom, he’d never been inside Jensen’s bedroom before but aside from a twin bed there wasn’t much at all to see. A dresser stood by the window and Jared carefully rifled through it but came up empty handed. He looked through the bedside table and found nothing but some books and Jensen’s stash. The spare bedroom just had finished paintings that were waiting to be picked up and didn’t find Jensen’s phone in the bathroom. Jared had tried calling the phone and listening for it to ring but figured it’d be dead by now making it useless to call. 

As he continued to look around Jensen’s apartment he wondered how anyone could live like Jensen did. He didn’t think it was necessarily a bad way to live but the apartment felt so cold despite the windows being cracked open and letting the AC out. 

He finally found Jensen’s phone wedged down between the couch cushions although he could have sworn he looked there twice before. Before heading back down to his place where Jensen was currently sleeping, he grabbed Jensen’s phone charger he saw earlier in the bedroom, and left. 

Quietly he opened the door to his own apartment, Jensen was curled up on the couch, the blanket pulled up over his head, but sleeping soundly. When he plugged in Jensen’s phone it blinked to life, there were quite a few missed calls and texts, Jared didn’t look through them other than noticing the icon blink red. 

After a few more hours of sleep Jensen stirred awake and sat up, he looked better, more alert and not so pale, Jared wondered how much he’d eaten or slept the previous week. 

Jensen’s eyes roamed the room until they landed on Jared before abruptly looking away, he rubbed a hand down his face and swung his feet off the couch so that he was sitting hunched over forward. 

“Uh, thanks,” Jensen said sounding hoarse.

“No problem.”

“I should uh, probably go,” Jensen said as he stood and stretched his back. 

“Your phone is charging by the wall,” Jared said pointing, “You sure you don’t want to stay and eat something?”

Shaking his head Jensen crossed the room and picked up his phone, “You’ve done so much, I should leave and let you get on with your day.”

“I don’t mind,” Jared said, which was true, he really wanted Jensen to stay, he wanted him to eat and hang out. Jared wanted to make sure Jensen was okay.

Jensen turned slightly toward Jared, “I really appreciate it Jared but I should go.”

“Ok.”

The next time Jared saw Jensen was a few days later, Jensen looked better than ever and it made Jared happy to see. They lounged on Jared’s couch munching on hamburgers Jared had grilled for them as a Phoenix Suns game played on the tv though neither was paying too much attention to it. Jensen seemed like he was back to his old self with a healthy appetite and laughing along with Jared. Looking at him Jared could hardly see the same man who had shown up on his doorstep looking inches away from death. 

It felt so good to see Jensen better and Jared couldn’t be happier with the friendship they were building. It had been a long road to get there but now that they were Jared thought it was all worth it. 

“So, this weekend,” Jared tried to casually bring up as they were onto their second round of beers, Jensen sprawled comfortably on Jared’s couch Jared almost wasn’t sure if he wanted to take a chance at disrupting their pleasant evening.

“This weekend,” Jared started again with confidence, “is my mother’s birthday and I’m driving up to Flagstaff for it.”

Jensen kept his eyes on the tv but nodded in understanding.

Jared shifted a bit in his seat as his own nerves cropped up in his mind, “I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.”

Jensen didn’t say anything and if Jared didn’t know Jensen he’d think that he hadn’t heard him. 

Another minute passed before Jensen answered, “No thanks.”

“It’ll be fun!” Jared tried his best to sound convincing, “It’ll be nice to get out of Phoenix for a little bit, this time of year is brutal here but up in Flag it’s beautiful and I really don’t want to drive three hours by myself.” Jared wanted to mention that he was also dying for Jensen to meet his mom but was afraid that would make Jensen anxious at first. 

Jensen sat slowly shaking his head, “I don’t like going places and I don’t like cars.”

Jared deflated, he couldn’t really argue with that and he didn’t want to make Jensen uncomfortable. 

“I know,” Jared said trying not to sound too disappointed, “I guess I was just hoping to bring you along but it’s cool.”

It was quiet between them. Jared sat kicking himself for getting his hopes up that Jensen would actually want to go. They’d gotten close over the past few weeks and while it was hard for Jared to still only see Jensen as just a friend he still wanted to share things with him. 

“I just get overwhelmed easy around...well people.” Jensen said quietly a few minutes later.

Jared nodded understanding before a thought struck him, “You know, my mom has a nice big house and a huge property with lots of space.”

Jensen went quiet again thinking it over in his head and Jared tried his hardest to bite down on the excitement and hope that Jensen was even considering it.

“What if we made a code word?” Jared asked.

Jensen brows drew together in confusion, “What?”

“A code word for when you’re feeling overwhelmed,” Jared explained, “You start feeling too anxious, you say the word, and we leave.”

“So like a safeword.”

Jared chuckled, “Yeah, I guess. Something ridiculous...like...pastiche.”

Jensen slowly turned his head with an amused look on his face, “How do you know pastiche?”

Jared shrugged, “I read.”

Jensen returned his attention back to the tv but Jared could tell he was thinking it over. He watched, praying Jensen was going to agree to go up with him for the weekend.

“I don’t want to stay overnight,” Jensen said.

“That’s fine, we can just drive up Saturday morning and come home that evening,” Jared said before quickly adding to it when Jensen started to object, “or earlier if you want to.”

“I don’t know,” Jensen said still unsure.

Jared smiled, he was just happy Jensen was still considering it, “Okay, just think about it. You don’t have to make a decision right now.”

Jensen nodded and they continued watching tv. Some time later Jensen spoke up again, “Why do you want me to go?”

Jared took a deep breath. Why did he want Jensen to go so bad? He could have easily asked Chad to go and had a good time but he wasn’t aching for it like he was with Jensen. 

“I like spending time with you Jensen,” Jared said. He figured that was the truth even if it wasn’t the whole truth. 

“I like spending time with you too,” Jensen said surprising Jared.

A comfortable silence fell between them and Jared thought his face was going to crack with how hard he was smiling.

Sipping from his thermos Jared watched Jensen’s door intently. He sat in his car with a three hour roadtrip ahead of him and he really wanted Jensen to be there for the ride but he checked the time on his phone and it was ten minutes passed the time they agreed on. Deciding to give Jensen ten more minutes before coming to the conclusion that Jensen wasn’t going to make it Jared thought about the day ahead. Excitement bubbled in his stomach as he thought about getting to see his mom and the rest of his family up in Flagstaff. This would be the first time back since moving out to Phoenix six months ago. And although that excitement was abundant there was still apart of him that really wanted Jensen to show up and experience it with him. It would be a good day no matter what but since getting to know Jensen Jared’s wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. Showing Jensen this part of his life excited Jared like he couldn’t remember feeling before and although it’d be an uneasy day for Jensen, if he decided to show up, they would get through it as a success. 

Jared checked his phone again, ten minutes had come and gone. His heart sank a little as he opened up a text to send Jensen just for one last possibility he might still go. Before hitting send the passenger door opened to a sleepy Jensen dressed in a nice button down and clean jeans, not a speck of paint to be found, and his hair was styled nicely with product, carrying a flat package that he immediately put into the backseat.

Jared was amazed. 

“You didn’t think I’d come,” Jensen said. 

“I thought 60/40,” Jared replied, he looked Jensen up and down again, impressed with how well put together he looked, “You look nice.”

“Thanks,” Jensen said shyly staring down at his hands, “Sorry I’m late. I was up late having a panic attack about today and then slept through my alarm.”

“Hey,” Jared said softly putting his hand on Jensen’s knee. 

Jensen glanced down at Jared’s hand then up to Jared only meeting his eyes for a second before turning them to his chest.

“You get too overwhelmed, you just say the word and we’re out of there,” Jared said with a light squeeze before turning the car on and pulling out of the parking lot.

“Pastiche,” Jensen breathed. 

As they sat waiting for a break in traffic to pull out onto the street Jared looked at Jensen again and smiled, “I’m serious though, you look amazing. I can’t believe you put product in your hair. I can’t believe you even own any hair products.”

“Shut up.”

Turning his attention back to the road Jared continued to tease, “It’s cute, like you’re trying to make a really good first impression for my mom.”

When Jensen stayed quiet Jared shot him another glance, Jensen pulled at his lip ring with his top lip and teeth as he stared down at his hands.

“Oh my god, you are trying to make a good impression for my mom!”

“I am not,” Jensen protested as color filled his cheeks, “Look, just drop it okay?”

“Okay,” Jared replied trying not to look too much into it, motioning to the backseat Jared changed the subject, “What’d ya bring?”

“I brought your mom a painting,” Jensen said so softly Jared could barely even hear it.

Trying to keep his smile under control Jared replied, “She is going to fucking love you.”

Once they hit the I-17 heading North Jared looked over to see Jensen sitting tense with his eyes shut tight, “You okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Then why are you sitting like that?”

Jensen let out a breath before answering, “You know I really hate cars. I’m just gonna keep my eyes closed.”

“The entire three hour drive?” Jared asked eyes wide. 

Shrugging, Jensen continued to keep his eyes closed.

“You know, you could look at me instead of the road and keep your eyes open if you want,” Jared smirked.

Jensen scoffed squinting one eye open towards Jared, “I think I’ll stick to looking at the inside of my eyelids, thanks.”

“Ouch,” Jared laughed.

The drive to Cortez Junction, the halfway point where Jared liked to get out and stretch his legs, was pretty nerve-wracking for the sole reason of Jensen’s aversion to cars. Not only did he keep his eyes shut tight the entire time but he also clung to the inside of the car. 

As soon as the car was parked Jensen’s door flung open and he was jumping out to walk away for a few minutes. Jared stood and watched as Jensen walked out into the open field behind the McDonalds they were stopped at before heading inside to use their restroom. 

By the time Jared returned from inside Jensen was back at the car leaning against it. 

“You good?” Jared asked.

Jensen nodded, “I’m blazed.”

Throwing his head back in laughter Jared got into the car, “You’ll fit right in in Flagstaff.”

The second half of their trip went smoothly, Jensen kept his eyes shut but instead of clinging to the car he busied his hands against his knees in time of the music playing on the radio. Ah, marijuana, the miracle drug, Jared thought with a smile. 

As desert turned to pine trees Jared felt a wave of nostalgia crash over him the closer he got to his hometown. There was only about thirty more miles between him and home. 

“So, how many people are going to be there today?” Jensen asked.

Pictures of his family’s faces popped into his head as he thought about those who were attending the celebration in Flagstaff, “My mom, her siblings, my cousins, some of their kids, and some friends of my mom so about twenty probably.”

Jared shot a glance to see if there was any reaction to the number of people but Jensen just sat there with his eyes closed. 

Jared wasn’t sure what there was between him and Jensen but he knew there was something. For as difficult as meeting new people and being in a group of strangers, or anyone for that matter, was for Jensen he still managed to show up and not to mention three hours in a car when he so greatly hated riding in one. Jared tried not to think too much into it but it was hard not to get his hopes up just a little that Jensen was feeling something more for Jared as well. 

Jared thought back to the past few times they’d hung out on the couch in Jared’s living room and there was always that moment just before they decided to call it a night when Jared’s heart was hammering, his palms were sweating, and he could just feel unresolved sexual tension between them. And no matter how many times he tried to convince himself that it was all one sided, that it was just his feelings for Jensen clouding his brain, he still couldn’t help but wonder if Jensen was feeling it too.

“What are you thinking about?” Jensen asked, breaking Jared from his thoughts.

Quickly, Jared recovered with a lie, “Just about everyone we’re going to see today.”

“Do you plan on moving back to Flag?” Jensen asked, “You know, after you’ve gotten over your breakup.”

Jared hadn’t thought about it, he didn’t have any long term plans, and he didn’t move down to Phoenix with any sort of timeframe. 

“Jared?” Jensen asked when Jared didn’t answer right away, caught up in his own thoughts.

“Well, I’m over the breakup already and don’t plan on moving back to Flagstaff anytime soon,” Jared answered.

“So, you bringing me here isn’t to show people how over it you are? To prove something?” Jensen asked seriously.

“Hey,” Jared said putting his hand on Jensen’s knee again, “look at me,” he said glancing between Jensen and the road.

Slowly Jensen moved his head towards Jared and opened his eyes.

“I don’t know what gave you that impression but I would never use you like that,” Jared said earnestly, “You and I are friends and I love spending time with you. Yeah, I didn’t want to drive three hours out here by myself but that’s three hours I get to hang out and talk to you...even if you have spent the entire time with your eyes closed.”

Jensen smirked facing forward again and closed his eyes, “Okay.”

When they pulled up outside Jared’s mom’s house Jared could tell Jensen’s anxiety was increasing by his continued fidgeting and all the lip pulling his teeth were doing. 

“It’ll be fine,” Jared reassured, “and you say the magic words and we’re outta here.”

Jensen nodded, “I’m fine, thanks.”

The second they stepped inside Jared’s mom hurried over to them and threw her arms around Jared.

“I am so glad you’re here!” she exclaimed pulling Jared tighter, “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Hi mom,” Jared said sweetly as he buried his face in his mom’s embrace. 

When they broke apart they exchanged loving looks before Jared introduced Jensen, “Mom, this is my friend--”

“Jensen, I’ve heard so much about you!” Sherri finished and Jensen shot a questioning look to Jared who just shrugged and smiled.

“Nice to meet you Ms. Padalecki,” Jensen greeted politely and Jared saw how hard Jensen was trying outside his normal comfort zone.

“Please, call me Sherri,” Sherri smiled.

“Sherri,” Jensen smiled as he nodded, “I..uh..I brought you something.”

Holding behind his back was the painting he’d done wrapped in cloth, he handed it to Sherri.

“Jensen, you shouldn’t have!” Sherri exclaimed taking the painting from him and unwrapping it. When it was completely unwrapped she stared with her mouth wide open, “This is beautiful.”

“I told you Jensen was an artist,” Jared chimed in as Sherri continued to stare at the painting.

“Really Jensen this is wonderful,” she said, “I don’t even want to take my eyes off it!” 

“I’m glad you like it,” Jensen said softly staring down at his shoes.

“I do, I love it,” she said handing it to Jared and motioning up on the mantle, “Jared, be a dear and put it up there so everyone can see it.”

Sherri grabbed Jensen’s hand and led him towards the back door as Jensen shot Jared a look over his shoulder. Jared nodded reassuringly, quickly put the painting up on the mantle, and then followed them into the backyard where the rest of the people were gathered. 

It was a beautiful cool day with a bright blue sky and not a cloud in sight. Jared breathed in, filling his lungs with the fresh mountain air and made his way over to where his mom was standing with a few of his aunts, holding Jensen hostage. Fearing a freak out Jared jogged over to them, ready to pull Jensen away, but instead just watched as Jensen looked around before politely nodding when needed. They stood there for another couple of minutes listening to his aunt rave on about a new recipe she’d tried before Jared excused them to get drinks in the kitchen.

“You okay?” Jared asked shooting Jensen a sideways glance.

Nodding Jensen answered, “Yeah, your family is very friendly. I think I held your mom’s hand longer than I’ve ever held anyone’s hand...ever.”

Jared barked out a laugh, “We haven’t even been here that long! Oh god I hope my cousin Sarah doesn’t try to sleep with you or something.”

“Feel free to tell her I’m gay,” Jensen said seriously.

Jared patted Jensen on the shoulder as they got into the kitchen, “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back...although I am curious to see how you’d ward off a sexual advance from a female or well anyone.”

Shutting his eyes tightly and bringing his hands to his head Jensen suddenly started shaking his head back and forth. 

“You okay?” Jared asked concerned, his heart speeding up in his chest.

Jensen dropped his hands and smiled up at Jared, “I’m fine, just showing you what would probably happen.”

“Asshole,” Jared laughed pushing Jensen away.

The afternoon went on without any problems, Jensen even seemed to enjoy a conversation with one of Jared’s older cousins as they started out talking about art but somehow turned into a conversation about an xbox game. 

At lunch they enjoyed grilled hamburgers and hotdogs with sides of coleslaw, chips, watermelon, corn on the cob, and beer. Jared sat between Jensen and his mother on a bench at the picnic table set up, one of his knees casually pressed to Jensen’s as they rubbed elbows while they ate. It was comfortable and everytime Jared glanced over at Jensen during the meal he couldn’t help but smile, he couldn’t think of anyone else he’d want next to him, and that was a little scary. In such a short time Jensen had grown to mean a lot to Jared and he was pretty sure Jensen only saw him as a friend but that was okay because at least he had Jensen in his life. There was something about Jensen that excited Jared, as much as Jensen kept inside, there was a light that shined bright and it was intoxicating. He wanted to breathe it in deep, taste it, feel it crash over him, and the longer he spent hanging out with Jensen the stronger it became. 

“How are you liking living in Phoenix?” Jared’s aunt asked breaking him from his thoughts.

Jared swallowed down a bite of burger before answering, “I like it a lot. My apartment complex is really nice, I have great neighbors, that’s actually how I met Jensen.”

When Jensen immediately took a bite of his burger to avoid having to join the conversation Jared took his place instead and continued telling his family about moving to Phoenix. 

Halfway through the meal when the conversation had changed to Jared’s cousin’s college life Jared felt Jensen’s icy fingers on his thigh. He looked over at Jensen who leaned in and whispered he needed to go back to Jared’s car to take his meds. 

“Do you want me to go with you?” Jared asked.

Smirking Jensen replied, “No, I think I can handle it on my own, I just need your keys.”

Jared dug his keys out of his pocket and handed them to Jensen, “There’s a coat in the trunk too.”

“I’m not cold,” Jensen said as Jared just looked at him with a smile, “Okay...thanks.”

Jensen excused himself from the table and headed back towards the house, Jared watching him walk the entire way.

“Is Jensen okay?” Sherri asked. 

“Yeah, he’s just getting something from the car,” Jared answered before shoveling a forkful of coleslaw into his mouth. 

“You know, he is very cute,” Jared’s aunt said with a smile as she wagged her eyebrows at Jared.

“Doesn’t say much though,” Jared’s uncle chimed in. 

“Yeah, he is a bit of an introvert,” Jared responded.

“He’s very talented, did you see the painting he brought me in the living room?” Sherri asked.

Jared’s aunt gasped, “He painted that? I was admiring it on the way in and wondered where you had gotten it. He is very talented. I sure wouldn’t mind having one of my own.”

A smile danced across Jared’s face as he listened to his aunt and mom go on about Jensen’s work. 

By the time Jensen returned to the table the talk of him had changed to what Jared’s uncle was up to. Jared watched as Jensen walked back over only this time wearing the jacket Jared told him was in the trunk. The jacket fit loosely around Jensen’s body, shrinking him slightly. He pulled the sleeves down to cover his hands and Jared fought the urge to wrap his arms around Jesen when he sat down. 

Towards the end of the meal Jared’s cousin Amy showed up with her boyfriend and their baby. There was a mix of emotions at the table as they walked over to join the group but Jared was more interested in the way Jensen’s face softened almost immediately as he felt Jensen’s body relax next to him. 

“Who is that?” Jensen whispered turning back toward Jared.

“My cousin Amy, her and her boyfriend just had a baby five months ago,” Jared answered.

“How old is she?”

“Sixteen.”

Jared expected a look from Jensen like he saw from many people when someone so young, still in high school, had a baby but it didn’t show up on his face. Instead his face remained soft and open, he even saw Jensen politely smile when Amy sat down at the table with them. 

Jensen continued to surprise Jared causing his stomach to flutter pleasantly. As much as he felt like he knew Jensen, there was still so much more to know, and it excited Jared. 

As the afternoon moved on and the meal was over they moved into the house. Jared got distracted by something his uncle was showing him out in the garage and by the time he rejoined the group in the living room Jensen was sitting with his cousin Amy and her baby. 

Leaning against the doorframe Jared watched as Jensen talked with Amy while her daughter held Jensen’s finger tightly with both of her tiny fists. Jensen peered down at the baby smiling softly as Amy spoke. It was the most interaction Jared had ever witnessed Jensen have with anyone and it was amazing to watch. The baby loved the attention as she cooed and giggled up at Jensen who continued smiling and talking with Amy. 

“Isn’t that precious?” Sherri asked from behind Jared.

Jared turned and smiled down at his mom before putting his arm around her to pull her in.

“He seems like he’s really good with kids,” Sherri said as they turned their attention back to Jensen on the couch with Amy and her baby.

“Looks that way,” Jared said as he watched Amy say something to Jensen who shrugged bashfully then Amy passed the baby off to Jensen who made sure he was supporting her head the entire time. The baby fit so comfortably in his arms and giggled as she grabbed for Jensen’s nose. Jensen continued smiling down at her, looking at her and holding her like she was a precious jewel. Jared’s heart thundered in his chest, there was something he just couldn’t explain about how he felt for Jensen and watching him now intensified the feeling.

Sherri lightly elbowed Jared in the side, “Is there something you’re not telling me about you two?”

Jared shook his head keeping his eyes on Jensen as he blinked back wetness from his eyes, “No mom, I promise. Jensen and I are just friends.”

“But you want to be more,” Sherri said causing Jared to let out a heavy sigh. Sherri leaned into him, “A mother can always tell.”

“We’re just friends,” Jared reiterated. 

“Give it time. He did drive three hours one way to meet your family,” Sherri said with a look that made Jared laugh. 

“Yeah,” Jared smiled, “Maybe you’re right.”

“Go over there,” Sherri said pushing Jared into the living room, Jared turned to see his mother smiling and gave her an equally loving smile before heading over to the couch.

“Hey Amy,” Jared greeted as he sat down next to Jensen on the couch, “she’s growing so fast from those first few pictures you posted on Facebook,” Jared commented leaning into Jensen’s space to look at the baby.

“Yeah, she seems to be getting bigger every day,” Amy beamed. 

“She’s beautiful,” Jensen said softly.

Jared watched as Amy’s smile widened as she glanced from Jensen to her daughter, “Thanks, everyone says she looks more like me than Rick.”

Jensen continued smiling down at the baby, disregarding Amy’s comment, and Jared watched as Amy’s smile faltered a little at that. 

“Where is Rick?” Jared asked to break up Amy’s disappointment in Jensen’s lack of attention on her. 

Amy turned and looked at Jared instead, “Probably out playing basketball with my brother.”

Before long the baby started fussing, Amy jumped to her feet saying she was probably hungry, and asked if Jensen didn’t mind holding her while she went to make a bottle. Jensen said it was no problem and that he’d even feed her if Amy wanted.

“Really?” Amy asked excited.

Jensen shrugged, “Sure, I don’t mind.”

“Thanks,” Amy said with a giant grin as she bounced off towards the kitchen.

“You’re kind of incredible,” Jared confessed once Amy was out of the room.

“What?” Jensen asked shooting Jared a confused look. 

Motioning to the baby, “With her, it’s like you’ve done this before.”

“Well, I have,” Jensen said nonchalantly.

“With who?”

Jensen shifted the baby slightly in his arms to try and comfort the hungry child, “Danneel has a kid.”

“What?” Jared asked abruptly, “I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, she’s six now but I’ve known her since she was born,” Jensen answered. 

Jared thought back to the few times he’d seen Danneel and none of them involved a child, “Does the kid live with Danneel?”

Jensen laughed, “Of course. You’ve probably just never seen her because she spends time with her dad which is when Danneel usually comes over to my place.”

“Well, whatever, you’re like a natural.”

Shaking his head Jensen replied, “Nah, this is just a really good one.”

“Most of the time!” Amy chimed in as she returned with a bottle and handed it to Jensen who immediately got into a comfortable position to feed the baby. 

Jared watched amazed at Jensen who fed the baby completely and then knew exactly how to burp her before she ended up falling asleep right in his arms. For the rest of the evening the baby slept peacefully in Jensen’s arms as the occasional family member would come over and coo over the baby with Amy, congratulating her on how adorable she was. Jensen sat there periodically joining in on the conversation but Jared could tell that he was overall pretty at ease himself and it sparked excitement in his belly at how Jensen was doing with his family. 

Jared tried hard not to let that excitement build too much because he knew that soon they’d be leaving and going back to Phoenix where everything would go back to how it was. They were neighbors and friends but that was it no matter how hard Jared was falling for Jensen. 

When it was time to leave Jensen said goodbye to Jared’s mom who pulled him into an awkward hug, “I’m so glad you could come visit and you’re welcome back anytime.”

“Thank you, it was nice meeting you,” Jensen said staring down at the floor after she let go of him.

“Jared please don’t wait six months before I see you again, okay?” Sherri asked and Jared promised he’d be back before the summer was over.

“Anything to get out of the Phoenix heat.”

On the ride back Jared couldn’t quit talking about how amazing Jensen was with his cousin’s daughter, “You just knew exactly what to do and how to hold her and she loved you!”

Jensen sat quietly next to him, head resting against the window, eyes closed, listening to Jared continue to talk. 

Eventually Jared realized that Jensen had fallen asleep so he stopped talking and let the radio fill the car as they continued on down the mountain towards Phoenix. 

When they pulled into the apartment complex parking lot Jared gently shook Jensen awake, “We’re back.”

Covering his mouth while he yawned Jensen blinked his eyes open, “What time is it?”

“Just after eleven,” Jared answered, opening the car door making the indoor lights flash on.

Jensen rubbed his eyes under his glasses and got out of the car following Jared over to his apartment. 

“Thanks for going with me today,” Jared said as they stood by Jared’s door, “It was really nice having you there.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said glancing between Jared’s eyes and his chest, “I had a good time. You have a really great family.”

Jared hesitated for a second, usually Jensen was eager to walk away and go back to his place but he didn’t seem to be in any hurry.

“Do you want to come inside?” Jared asked, “Maybe for a beer or something?” 

Nodding his head Jensen replied, “Yeah, a beer sounds good.”

Jared let them into the apartment, throwing his keys on the table before heading into the kitchen to get them some drinks. He peered through the cut out in the wall at Jensen who stood, still wearing his coat, and looking around Jared’s apartment. There was an energy between them that Jared knew couldn’t be just one sided. Tonight something was different. God he hoped tonight was something different.

In the living room Jared handed Jensen one of the opened beer bottles and Jensen took a few gulps. Jared watched the way Jensen’s throat moved as he swallowed and he wondered what the skin against his taut neck tasted like. Drawing his eyes up the length of Jensen’s neck they got stuck on the way his plump lips wrapped around the lip of the beer bottle sending interest straight to Jared’s dick. 

He walked to the couch and sat down taking a long pull from his own beer before Jensen followed and sat beside him. 

“Do you want to wa--” Jared started but before he could finish Jensen’s lips were on his and they were kissing. 

Jared immediately deepened the kiss the first chance he got as he pulled Jensen to him. At first Jensen tasted like beer but soon he tasted smooth and sweet like the earth after a peppermint rain. It was soothing and electrifying at the same time and Jared couldn’t get enough of it. They kissed until they were breathless and their bodies were begging for more. Jared leaned back into the couch pulling Jensen onto his lap as things started to heat up and they rocked their hips against one another. 

Jared pulled off the jacket of his Jensen was wearing and ran his hands over Jensen’s shoulders and down his back. Feeling Jensen grow hard in his jeans sent bottle rockets off in Jared’s belly and his own was dick bulging noticeably

Slipping his hands underneath Jared’s shirt Jensen’s cold fingers met with Jared’s warm skin. 

Jared pulled back slightly to catch his breath letting his head fall back against the cushion of the couch, “Ah Jensen what are we doing?” his head was swimming with so many different emotions he wasn’t sure which way was up.

“I think we’re getting ready to fuck,” Jensen answered as his lips met with Jared’s neck.

Jared groaned loud as he threaded his fingers through Jensen’s shaggy hair and pulled him into a mouth-crushing kiss. 

“Bedroom,” Jensen breathed into Jared’s mouth when they broke apart.

“Uh huh,” Jared let out as his desire for Jensen multiplied. 

Jensen got up from Jared’s lap and headed down the hall towards Jared’s room as he slipped his shirts off over his head revealing an intricate rooted tree tattoo crawling up his spine. 

“Oh fuck,” Jared moaned as he reached out and ran his fingers over the inked skin. 

Inside the bedroom they fumbled around in the dark until Jared turned on his bedside table lamp illuminating the room with an orange glow. 

“You didn’t tell me you had a tattoo,” Jared said between kisses.

Pulling away and crawling up onto the bed Jensen replied, “I’ve got a few more.”

There before him was Jensen kneeling on his bed with his fingers at his belt staring Jared down like he was Jared’s prey, ready to be pounced on. Jared crawled up after him and had him pinned beneath him in no time. Jensen squirmed under him kicking off his jeans and Jared did the same. 

Their bodies were warm against each other, their hearts thundering in their chests as their mouths devoured one another. 

Jared took a second and pulled away as he gazed down at Jensen, skin milky white stretched smoothly over his slender body and right below each hipbone were brightly colored dragons contrasted beautifully against his skin. Jared ran his fingers down the length of Jensen’s body, stopping at the one on his left as he traced the design. Goosebumps broke out across Jensen’s freckled skin and Jared bent low to chase them with kisses. Soon he was placing kisses on each of Jensen’s dragons, dragging his tongue over their fire breath, before Jared moved lower and Jensen stopped him.

“Jared, wait...stop,” Jensen said pulling up on his hair and twisting away from him. 

Jared looked up at him with lust blown eyes as he panted, “What?”

“Just...come here,” Jensen said as he tugged at Jared to move back up and kiss him on the lips. 

Jared drank the kiss in, his dick achingly hard against Jensen’s as they kissed a little longer. 

“Do you have condoms and lube?” Jensen asked breathlessly and Jared nodded, reaching across the bed to his bedside table and pulling out what they needed. Snapping open the lid to the lube Jensen spread a generous amount onto his fingers and started working himself open while Jared tangled their tongues together. 

Before too long Jared was slipping on the condom while Jensen rolled onto his belly and Jared pushed in slowly. Jensen was incredibly tight but he arched his back perfectly and twisted Jared’s sheets in his hands as he let out whimpers of pleasure. 

Grabbing Jensen’s waist with his hands Jared pulled out slow only to push back in and before too long Jensen was pushing back too, rocking his hips with Jared’s. Jared ran his hand down Jensen’s back taking in all the details and intricacy of the gnarled roots of the tree on Jensen’s back and wondered if Jensen had created the piece himself. 

Jensen let out a satisfying moan when Jared changed up the angle a bit and buried his face in the sheets. For a normally quiet guy Jensen sure let it out and it made Jared’s dick spark with pleasure. 

Guiding Jensen down flat against the mattress Jared lay on top of him, encasing his whole body as he continued to rock his hips against Jensen. Jared listened to every pant and moan that escaped Jensen’s lips as he ran his own lips over Jensen’s shoulders and neck. Jensen squeezed his hand between his body and the bed and began working himself over with his fist. Keeping the rhythm fast Jared moved to get space between Jensen and the mattress so he could replace Jensen’s hand with his own. Jensen bit back a moan as Jared’s strong hand tightened around his length with a burning touch. 

Soon Jensen was gasping as his orgasm hit, he pushed back against Jared, his dick slipping effortlessly in and out of Jared’s grip. 

“Oh fuck, Jensen” Jared moaned, so close to the edge as hot spurts of Jensen’s come coated his fist. 

Like a rocket Jared was over the edge, pleasure burning his insides as he rocked harder into Jensen. His orgasm coursed through him as he continued to thrust into Jensen before slowly down and stopping.

Jared rolled off, laying on his back his cheeks hurt from smiling up at the ceiling. He looked over at Jensen who appeared to be sleeping soundly, eyes closed lightly, face soft and his breathing had calmed down significantly. Jared let out a laugh, not because it was funny but because of how happy he was and how good he felt. Rolling over onto his side he watched Jensen sleep, his glasses askew on his face as he laid against the pillow so Jared carefully freed him of his glasses and placed them on the bedside table. 

Looking at Jensen upclose he was even more beautiful. Long, dark eyelashes brushed the tops of his cheeks and pale freckles colored his nose. His lips were pouted slightly, lip ring resting nicely on his bottom lip and Jared now knew how it not only tasted but also how it felt against his own lip. The cool metal heated up with the intensity of their kisses and the memory of Jensen’s mouth on his made his dick stir with interest. 

Figuring since Jensen was already asleep that he’d be staying the night Jared pulled the sheet up over them and then remembered how cold Jensen got sometimes. As quietly and smoothly as he could Jared got out of bed and opened his closet to grab a blanket for Jensen. Jared draped the soft fabric over Jensen’s sleeping body and slipped back in between the sheets. 

While falling asleep Jared thought back over the last 24 hours, a smile permanently painted to his face while the images of Jensen and his family getting along, Jensen holding the baby so delicately, and everything that happened since they’d gotten back, flipped over in his mind. Everything felt so right with Jensen, everything except the miniscule worry in his gut that the following morning was going to leave him disappointed. 

In the morning Jared stretched, forgetting he wasn’t alone, and a still sleeping Jensen burrowed in closer against his side. 

Yawning Jensen blinked his eyes open and immediately sat straight up eyes wide as he looked around the room.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jared reassured as he watched Jensen’s eyes dart around the room trying to get his bearings, “you’re at Jared’s, you spent the night, remember?”

Jensen relaxed a little and nodded before rubbing his eyes, “Know where my glasses are?”

Reaching over to the bedside table where he’d put them the night before he grabbed the glasses and handed them to Jensen. 

“Thanks.”

Jared watched as Jensen fidgeted in bed, running his hands nervously through his hair as he looked anywhere but at Jared. 

“You okay?” Jared asked.

Jensen nodded his head unconvincingly, “Yeah, I’m fine but I should probably go.”

“Or you could stay for breakfast,” Jared suggested. He stood from his bed, walked over to his dresser, and pulled out some sweatpants and grabbed a hoodie from the closet that he tossed to Jensen, “You can wear these while we eat if you want and the bathroom is right there.”

Jensen glanced in the direction Jared was pointing then back at Jared who smiled hoping Jensen was going to stay and not freak out. Jumping into a pair of pajama pants himself, Jared walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. 

He took it as a good sign when he heard the shower turn on and didn’t see Jensen reemerge until he’d had time to fry up some eggs and bacon and make some waffles. Jensen came in through the hallway, hair still damp, and wearing Jared’s clothes that hung down past his hands and practically drowned the rest of him but he looked comfortable and at ease. 

“Want some coffee?” Jared asked pointing to the mugs he’d set out near the coffee pot.

Nodding Jensen walked towards the coffee pot and poured himself some before opening one of his palms to reveal three different pills and tossing them back into his throat. 

When they sat down to eat it was quiet, even a little awkward, and Jared tried not to look too far into it. 

“I suck at relationships,” Jensen said staring down at his plate of food.

“Okay,” Jared replied. 

“I don’t know what you’re expecting. If you want last night to be a one time thing, that’s cool with me. If you want to hook up periodically, that’s fine with me too but you should know, anything more, I suck at.”

Jared cocked his head slightly as he thought about what Jensen was telling him, “It shouldn’t matter how good you think you are at something. What you want is what should matter.”

Raising his eyes to Jared’s slowly Jensen paused before replying, “I thought it was important to look out for other people.”

“It is but you seem to have this silly preconceived notion about relationships, I have yet to see proof or examples of any of it,” Jared explained, “Who told you you’re no good at relationships?”

Jensen’s eyes dropped again and he didn’t answer.

“You’re a good guy, Jensen. You’re creative and talented, you’re intelligent, you’re funny, and I’ve never seen you be an asshole to anyone,” Jared continued even after Jensen started shaking his head, “You can connect with people and you have the ability to makes things work but it just comes down to whether or not you want it.”

“It’s not that easy,” Jensen said quietly. 

Jared watched as Jensen pushed the food around on his plate and waited for him to continue but when he didn’t Jared replied, “Well, whatever. Yesterday was a lot of fun for me and I like you but if you just want to be friends, I can be okay with that.”

Jensen put a forkful of eggs into his mouth and chewed slowly, never taking his eyes off his plate. 

“We don’t need to label anything and we can just see how things go,” Jared suggested as he took a bite of bacon, “For now, let’s just enjoy breakfast.”

“It is really good,” Jensen said before shoveling a bite of waffles dripping with syrup into his mouth. 

“Good,” Jared grinned as he watched Jensen find satisfaction in eating a home-cooked meal. 

Was Jared a little disappointed that Jensen wasn’t jumping at the chance to be with him? Of course but he knew better than to get upset about it. If it was supposed to happen with Jensen then it would happen as long as someone was putting effort into it and Jared didn’t have any intention of stopping anytime soon. 

“I had a lot of fun yesterday too,” Jensen said glancing up at Jared after they’d eaten quietly for a few minutes. 

Jared beamed.

When the eggs and bacon were finished and there were only bites of waffles swamped in buttery syrup left they heard loud banging coming from upstairs.

“What is that?” Jensen asked looking up towards the ceiling.

“That is what it sounds like when someone is banging on your door.”

“It’s obnoxious,” Jensen said bringing another bite of waffle to his mouth.

“Tell me about it,” Jared smiled, “So are you going to go see who it is?”

Jensen shrugged, “It’s probably Steve. I didn’t get back to him yesterday after a couple texts and I don’t have my phone on me now so he’s probably seeing what’s up.”

The banging stopped and Jared assumed whoever it was left but after a few minutes someone was banging on his door. 

“What do you want me to do?” Jared asked.

“It’s your place,” Jensen replied. 

Jared just stared at Jensen because of how unhelpful he was being, “Well, do you want me to lie to him about where you are?”

Jensen just shrugged.

Getting up from the table Jared headed over to the front door and on the other side was a disgruntled Steve, “Do you know where Jensen is?”

Jared paused for a minute before opening the door wider to reveal Jensen sitting at the kitchen table dressed in Jared’s clothes. 

“What the fuck?” Steve grunted but the question wasn’t pointed at Jensen, instead it was pointed at Jared, “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Excuse me?” Jared asked bewildered. 

Steve took a step inside, his head snapping between Jensen and Jared before staying on Jared, “What do you think you’re doing?”

“What am I doing? What are you doing?” Jared roared, stepping closer to Steve who stood staring red-faced back at him, “You come into my house and start yelling at me? What the fuck?”

“Oh so what? You pry yourself into Jensen’s life and he just starts ignoring all his phone calls and that’s just a coincidence?” Steve yelled back. 

Jared laughed, “You’re joking! Jensen is a grown ass man and if you fucking treated him like one then maybe he wouldn’t feel the need to shut you out, ever think of that?”

“Fuck you,” Steve spat as he tried to push Jared but Jared stood his ground and didn’t budge, “You have no idea who Jensen is or what he needs!”

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Jared growled and before Jared knew it he was in a pushing and shouting match with Steve who was surprisingly strong despite his shorter stature. Jared’s blood boiled in his veins with each passing second, his breakfast so rudely interrupted, and he wanted nothing more than to put the overprotective jackass through a wall. But before any damage could be done Steve and Jared were shocked into stopping as they heard Jensen yell from the corner in the kitchen the code word, “Pastiche!”

Jared dropped Steve from where he was grabbing him by the collar and shot his head around to find Jensen cowered in the corner of the kitchen with his hands up by his head, eyes shut tight, and muttering to himself. Jared’s heart sank at the sight of it knowing that he was part of the cause. 

Turning to Steve, whose eyes were wide as he watched his friend breathe through a panic attack, he said calmly, “You need to leave.”

Steve nodded but didn’t move.

“Now,” Jared cooly demanded as he guided Steve out the door before shutting and locking it. 

Jared raced over to Jensen in the corner and wrapped his arms around him, “I’m sorry,” he whispered into his hair as he held Jensen to him. Jensen jittered in his grasp but continued to breathe through it until he was calm and leaning softly against Jared. 

Jensen pushed off against Jared and stood up, “I really need to go.”

“No Jensen please don’t leave like this,” Jared begged as he reached for Jensen’s hand but Jensen shook his head and headed into the bedroom. 

Following Jensen he watched as Jensen slipped off the sweatshirt and pulled on his own shirts from the day before, the morning sun shining in through the slit in the curtain, casting a warm glow across his slender body.

“Look,” Jared started as Jensen changed from the sweatpants and into his jeans, “I’m sorry I lost my temper earlier, I just...god I hate so much how he treats you! You are capable of anything Jensen! You don’t need some guy-friend or otherwise-treating you like a child.”

“Goddammit Jared, don’t you think I know that!” Jensen yelled back nostrils flaring, “Don’t you think I know exactly how people treat me, including you!” 

Jared deflated, bowing his head as he nodded, “I’m sorry. I am such an idiot.”

“I’m not a child!” Jensen went on, voice loud and strong, “I don’t need him watching my every move and I don’t need you doing it either. You both act like I’m slow, that I can’t tie my shoes or function like an adult but you’re wrong. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself!”

The room was silent, Jensen’s breathing was harsh, chest moving quickly as he stood there staring just over Jared’s right shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” Jared tried again quietly, “but Jensen, you know that’s not how I feel about you, you know that’s not what I actually think, you know that. It’s just when he’s around because he’s the one who is so overbearing.”

“Take responsibility for your own actions Jared,” Jensen quipped.

Jared nodded, “You’re right, I’m sorry.” 

Jensen let out a sigh and pushed past Jared into the living room.

“Please know I am sorry,” Jared said after following Jensen out of his room.

Jensen didn’t respond right away, he let the air calm between them as he slipped his feet into his shoes. 

“I know,” Jensen nodded, “Thanks for breakfast.”

Jensen walked out the door, slamming the door behind him, and Jared stood there feeling awful. 

But not even a minute later there was knocking on his front door and when he opened it Jensen was there. He leaned up and pressed his lips to Jared’s before slipping his tongue in to meet Jared’s. He tasted like syrup, so sweet and smooth. 

They leaned their foreheads together when the kiss was over and Jared couldn’t help but smile, “Does this mean you forgive me?”

“Yeah,” Jensen replied, “But I do need to go home and just be by myself right now.”

“I understand.”

“I’ll talk to you later,” Jensen said as he stepped back outside.

“Okay,” Jared smiled watching Jensen walk all the way down to the stairs before disappearing up them. 

It had been a whirlwind morning and Jared was exhausted. He cleaned up the kitchen then went into his bedroom, folded up the clothes he’d lent Jensen, and put them in the dresser. For next time, Jared thought.

Later that night after Jared had gotten home from hanging out with Chad he was getting ready to pop in a movie and veg out on the couch when there was a knock at the door. 

Standing on the other side of the door was Jensen staring down at his shoes. 

“Hey!” Jared said surprised, “Do you want to come in? I wasn’t expecting to see until after two days of solitude.”

Jensen shuffled in and they sat down on the couch, Jensen’s hands fidgeted in his lap, “So, I’ve been thinking.”

“And painting,” Jared said running his finger along Jensen’s paint splattered hands.

“Yeah,” Jensen replied softly as he moved his hand so their fingers entwined, “I think better if I paint. Unfortunately, I’m a shitty painter when I think so anything I painted today is useless but that’s besides the point.”

“So, what is the point?” Jared asked tentatively. 

“The point is you make me crazy,” Jensen smiled slightly, “Well, crazier than I already am.”

“You’re not crazy.”

Jensen smirked, “I’m a little crazy...but I also feel grounded, I feel good, I don’t ever feel put down when I’m around you. And I just ignored it until this morning when you told me that nothing mattered except for what I wanted and it took me an entire day of painting to realize that what I want is for us to work.”

“Yeah?” Jared asked hopeful.

“Yeah, but there’s a lot you don’t know about me and there’s a lot I don’t know about you...” Jensen said. 

Jared smiled, “That’s the point of dating.”

Jensen groaned and moved away slightly but there was still a smile on his face, “I hate dating.”

Leaning in Jared pressed a kiss to Jensen’s lips, “Yeah, well, you’ve never dated me.”

“One more thing,” Jensen said against Jared’s mouth.

“Anything,” Jared replied.

“You and Steve need to get to know each other, hang out sometime, maybe go see the band play.”

Now Jared was the one to groan and lean away. 

“Oh suck it up,” Jensen teased. 

Jared turned his head back towards Jensen so they were nose to nose, “Okay.”

Closing the space between them they kissed, Jared flicked his tongue against Jensen’s and he could feel Jensen’s breath catch in his throat. A part of him couldn’t believe that two days ago they were just friends but here and now he was kissing Jensen and making plans with Jensen. Excitement bubbled in his belly. He traced Jensen’s jaw with his thumb as Jensen squeezed Jared’s hip lightly. It was so warm and affectionate Jared’s heart raced. 

Jared ran his hand down Jensen to rest on his stomach just in time for Jensen’s stomach to growl audibly. They broke apart from their kiss laughing, “Let me guess, you haven’t eaten since you left here this morning?”

Jensen nodded bashfully and Jared kissed him again, short and quick. 

“Well, lucky for you a pizza is on its way.”

As they lounged on Jared’s couch, eating pizza and watching tv, Jared came up with the idea to invite their friends over to all get to know each other, “You invite the guys and Danneel and I’ll invite Chad over. We can drink beer, smoke pot, and listen to music or watch some crappy movie.”

Jensen nodded, “Sounds good, how’s Friday?”

On Friday night Jared got home from work and immediately started getting ready for the evening. He showered and cleaned up the place a bit, he’d just talked to Jensen who said he’d be over in a second and in the meantime his stomach fluttered with nerves. He really wanted the night to go well, really wanted to get along with Jensen’s friends, and more importantly for Jensen to have a good time without getting overwhelmed. They’d had a pretty amazing week, Jensen had slept over every single night and on Tuesday, Jared’s day off, they continued their tradition with a morning movie and grocery shopping. The rest of the mornings felt completely normal, Jared waking up early to get ready for work, leaving Jensen sleeping in the warmth of his bed. By the time Jared got home in the afternoons Jensen was back upstairs working and Jared would go get him when there was food to be eaten. They fell so effortlessly into a comfortable routine, the last thing he wanted was an upset tonight. It’d only been a week but it’d felt like they’d been together so much longer. It almost didn’t seem real.

Jensen let himself in a little bit later, his eyes darting about the apartment as he fidgeted with the sleeves of his shirt. Jared walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him, “Are you as nervous as I am?”

“Why are you nervous?” Jensen asked nervously when he pulled back, eyes wide.

Jared smiled and kissed Jensen on the forehead, “Don’t worry. Tonight’s going to be fun.”

“But why are you nervous?” Jensen asked again.

Laughing Jared pulled Jensen into another hug and reassured him, “I’m not.”

It was only a little lie and it was for Jensen’s own good who immediately relaxed in Jared’s embrace. Jared could hide his nerves better than Jensen could so he figured it was best to do so. 

The first ones to show up were Chad and his girlfriend Sophia. Jared didn’t have to worry about Chad, he was as outgoing as they came and had the ability to put anyone at ease in social settings. He introduced Jensen to the both of them and then watched as Jensen tried his best not to fidget nervously while they talked. Jensen pulled his sleeves down over his hands out of habit and continually looked to where Jared was getting the hookah set up. 

Before too long Jensen’s friends came bearing the stash. Danneel greeted Jared with a friendly hug and he introduced her to Sophia and Chad. When he went over to where Jensen was talking with Jason and Steve he tried not to appear too territorial but every instinct inside him was making him feel like a dog marking his territory. He clenched down on the gut response and put on a welcoming smile. 

Everyone sat around in the living room, Jensen and Jared sitting comfortably next to each other on one side of the couch while the girls took up the other side. Chad sat on the other side of Jared in a chair they’d pulled in from the kitchen while Steve sat in the recliner by the window and Jason lounged on some pillows on the floor. 

They passed around the hoses to the hookah, taking turns taking hits, not enough to get very high but enough to feel it. Pizza arrived a little while later while they were all still trying to be overly polite in company they still didn’t really know but once they started eating and drinking beer everyone seemed to relax. 

“We could tell you some stories,” Jason laughed, after finishing his second piece of pizza, “high school Jensen was a bit different than current Jensen, that’s for sure.”

Jensen groaned ducking his head, “Yeah, can we not talk about high school?”

“No way! I wanna hear all about high school Jensen,” Jared encouraged as he sat forward eyes intent on Jason. His belly was full, he was buzzed, and feeling really good, the thought of learning anything about Jensen was exciting to him.

“Jensen was a bit of a delinquent in high school,” Danneel chimed in flashing a smile Jensen’s way.

“Oh come on! If I was a delinquent then so were all of you,” Jensen spat back playfully biting nervously at the ring pierced through the side of his bottom lip. 

Jared glanced at Steve who was sitting back in his chair with a pleased smile on his face, not meeting anyone’s eye like he was lost in his own memory. 

“Okay so back in high school we thought it was hilarious to TP a house or two every weekend,” Jason started to retell. 

Chad scoffed, “TPing is nothing, everyone does that.”

Jason smiled and looked to Jensen, “Yeah but we didn’t just use toilet paper.”

“Oooh,” Sophia whispered leaning into Danneel before breaking into laughter. 

Jason continued telling his story, “One of our specialties, which was all Jensen’s idea by the way, was to coat the cars with dishwashing soap,”

“Oh man,” Jared groaned banging his knee to Jensen’s.

Jason held up his hand, “It gets better, coat the cars with dishwashing soap and then dump birdseed on top of that.”

“That’s brilliant,” Jared beamed in Jensen’s direction receiving an eyeroll. 

“It really is because the soap dries, the birdseed gets really stuck and when you try to wash it off with a hose you get a big foamy mess,” Danneel explained. 

“Wow,” Jared laughed watching as Jensen scrubbed a hand down his face shaking his head.

Jason and Danneel told the group more about their tping ways and how they also got into a habit of using chocolate syrup and popcorn to add to the mess.

“They sell those huge popcorn bags that stand like this tall,” Jason said showing how tall they were with his hand hovering in the air, “and you get them at the dollar store for like three bucks.”

“Oh yeah!” Chad chimed in, “Popcorn tastes like ass but you get a shit ton for hardly any money.”

“Exactly!” Jason chimed smacking Chad on the knee, “So we’d buy those sometimes and dump them in people’s yard along with all the other stuff. Sometimes we’d go to like the gas station and have Danneel stuff her purse with toilet paper from the bathroom so we wouldn’t have to buy as much.”

Danneel blushed a bit with shame, “Not my finest hour.” 

“Yeah, we were such idiots,” Jensen said shaking his head. 

“Nah, we were just teenagers,” Jason replied stretching out on the floor.

“You should tell them about the old lady,” Steve said staring straight at Jensen who turned his head to look back at Steve.

“Oh come on, is this torment Jensen night?” Jensen whined, “Don’t tell Jared that story!”

“Oh now you have to tell Jared that story!” Jared exclaimed throwing his arm back around Jensen’s shoulders and pulling him in tight. 

Sophia, Chad, and Jared all sat listening to Jason tell the story about one night when they were out being destructive they were planning on hitting a house they’d done before. The difference this time being Jensen was going to spray paint the garage with something obscene. Jason wasn’t even that far in the story and Jensen’s head was back down in his hands, clearly embarrassed by his teenage years. 

Rubbing soothing circles to Jensen’s back, Jared continued to listen to Jason’s story, “So he’s standing up at the front of the house thinking that it was this dickhead from school’s house and he’s getting ready to start when the front door opens and this tiny, old lady appears.”

Jason starts laughing so hard he can’t finish and Danneel picks up right where he left off, “We’re all sitting in the car, encouraging him from a distance and I remember we were all just like ‘oh shit!’ when we saw her, we didn’t know what Jensen was going to do. I, for one, thought a panic attack was going to happen any second. But then we see them exchange a few words and before we know it Jensen is walking down the driveway, bending down at the curb, and like miming spraypainting the street address numbers. I remember thinking, ‘what the hell is he doing?’ Then he got back up and tried to wave her off but then she called him back up to the porch--”

“And handed him a five dollar bill!” Jason bust out as he doubled over laughing, the rest of the room echoing his laughter except Jensen who sat cross armed against the couch trying his hardest not to crack up. 

“That was a fun night,” Steve reminisced once the laughter had died down and everyone was left wiping tears from their eyes, “Remember we ended up driving around the rest of the night until we parked up on Squaw Peak and smoked ‘til morning?”

“Oh yeah!” Danneel remembered, “Then after we watched the sun rise we ate breakfast at McDonald’s before we all went to school to sleep through our first period classes...well except Jensen.”

The mood in the room was suddenly somber, Jason, Steve, and Danneel lost in their own thoughts of the memory before Chad looked between them, “Where’d Jensen go?”

Steve bit at his bottom lip, “Kane’s.”

“Well that was a fun story,” Jensen said sarcastically as he stood before heading to the bathroom.

Chad leaned over the arm of the couch towards Jared and whispered loud enough for everyone else to hear, “Who’s Kane?”

“Ex-boyfriend,” Jared answered as he watched the faces of Jensen’s friends. There was so much more to the history of Jensen’s ex but he only knew the very tip of the iceberg. The way Jensen’s friends reacted to anything related to Kane was an indication of how bad the situation had been. It tugged at Jared’s insides to know the whole story but he knew that unless Jensen ever wanted him to know, it would forever be left unsaid. 

“Remember when we got kicked out of the bowling alley?” Jason asked trying to get the mood back to something more comfortable.

Steve snorted, “Which time?”

Halfway through Jason’s bowling alley story Jared quietly excused himself to see if Jensen was okay. The light in the bathroom was off but Jared could see a soft glow peeking out from under his bedroom door. 

Jared knocked lightly, “Hey Jensen, it’s me...Jared...from 1E.”

“You’re an idiot,” he heard Jensen chuckle from the inside, his voice soft and warm.

Closing the door behind him, Jared crossed the room and sat down next to Jensen, the mattress sinking slightly causing Jensen to slip against him. 

“You okay?” Jared asked. 

Jensen nodded, “Yeah, I just needed some alone time.”

“Want me to go?” Jared asked nudging Jensen with his shoulder. 

Shaking his head Jensen leaned into Jared, wrapping his arms around Jared’s waist, “No,” he whispered. 

A shiver ran down Jared’s spine, he returned the embrace and pressed his lips to Jensen’s hair. Looking up at Jared, Jensen met Jared’s lips with his own before opening his mouth to invite Jared’s tongue in. The two kissed and Jared pushed Jensen down softly against the mattress, running his hand down Jensen’s side to hold at his hip. Jensen pushed his hips up towards Jared causing Jared to let out a soft moan. 

“Jensen if we keep doing this, I’m not going to want to stop.”

“Who says we have to stop?” Jensen breathed dragging his tongue across Jared’s lips. 

Devouring Jensen’s mouth, Jared pressed down hard against him, and rocked his hips slowly. 

Jared pulled back breathing heavy, “An apartment full of our friends says we have to stop.”

His lips were soft when he leaned up to kiss Jared once more before they got up and headed back out to the living room. Danneel and Sophia sat chatting with each other while simultaneously on their phones, Steve was in a heated discussion with Chad about something guitar related, and Jason sat watching them until Jared and Jensen caught his eye. 

“You guys done sucking face?” Jason asked, eyebrows raised at them. 

“Who even says that?” Jensen teased as they walked over and sat back down on the couch with Jared’s arm resting around Jensen’s shoulders. 

“Jason does apparently,” Jared said making both him and Jensen start laughing. 

Chad mischievously grinned when he noticed Jensen and Jared rejoined the group, “You should let me tell you about Mr. Preciously Perfect Padalecki over here.”

Jared’s jaw dropped at the insinuation, a wide threatening grin playing across his face as he shook his head at Chad, “You can shut your mouth.”

“No, I think it’s only fair if I got ragged on then we get to hear about how perfect you were,” Jensen said pushing Jared back against the couch with his hand so he could better see Chad. 

“Yeah, what was he student of the month with perfect attendance?” Jason asked. 

Jared snorted, “Yeah, no. Maybe if I were I would have gone to college.”

“Jared sucked at school,” Chad laughed as he cracked his knuckles like he had to prepare for the story he was going to tell, “but he was the kid who every single parent absolutely loved because he was so polite. He was so polite to the point where he made every other kid look like Satan.”

Jared felt his face go hot when a few of their friends chuckled at the story Chad was telling. 

“Jared was the kid who did chores for fun and mowed every lawn in his neighborhood for free and helped old people at grocery stores.”

Jensen pressed in closer to Jared and Jared could feel the smile before he turned to see Jensen smiling up at him. A silent conversation filled with so much for just the two of them as Chad continued on embarrassing Jared further. 

“It’s good to see where his savior-complex came from,” Steve said under his breath.

“Dude,” Jensen warned.

Steve put up his hands up in surrender and the awkward tension in the room filtered away. 

“Jared did go through an interesting phase though freshman year of high school,” Chad said.

“This I have to hear,” Jensen said.

Jared groaned beside him and buried his face in Jensen’s shoulder.

“Jared went through a phase where he bleached his hair blonde and you think his hair is long now? It was longer back then, down to his shoulders and he started wearing like faded tie-dye shirts with cargo shorts and sandals,” Chad bust out laughing at the memory making everyone else dissolve into laughter as well picturing Jared how Chad described him. 

Jared looked at Jensen finding him smiling wide before he reached over and threaded his fingers with Jared’s. It felt incredible to have Jensen beside him and happy, to have him relaxed even with a room full of people. His nervous energy from before was at ease and the rest of the night continued on comfortably.

After their friends had left Jensen stayed the night, they quickly picked up where they left off in the bedroom, pulling each other’s clothes off until they were laying on Jared’s bed naked bodies pressed against one another. Jared sucked Jensen’s bottom lip, tonguing at his lip ring. As they kissed Jared jacked Jensen slow and steady with his hand, Jensen’s hips bucking up as he let out breathy moans. He loved making Jensen come undone like that and wanted him in his mouth.

He moved his lips from Jensen’s mouth down to his neck, then chest, flicking his tongue against Jensen’s hardening nipples, sucking at the ring through his left one, before moving further down but once he got to Jensen’s belly button Jensen tugged at his arms to pull him back up like he’d done that first night. Jared thought back and realized that each time they’d slept together Jensen stopped him from blowing him. 

Jensen tried to claim Jared’s mouth with his own but Jared had to know, “I really want to suck you off,” he confessed as Jensen held his head in his hands and stared at his lips, “Why won’t you let me?”

Jensen squeezed his eyes shut tight, threw his head back against the pillows, and let out a breath before answering, “It’s not you.”

Jared stared down at Jensen who kept his eyes shut tight, “Okay,” Jared said drawing the word out as he tried to figure it out.

“I promise we can talk about this later if you want but if we talk about it now I’m not going to want to have sex with you tonight,” Jensen said throwing an arm over his face covering his eyes. 

Jared didn’t know what to think and despite the throbbing going on between his legs he was curious, “Do you just not like oral sex?”

Jensen shrugged.

Rolling off Jensen Jared sat up and pulled Jensen’s arm from his face, “It’s cool if you just don’t like it but I guess I don’t understand.”

Jensen pushed himself up and wrapped his arms around himself like he was cold.

“Get in,” Jared said pulling the sheets back before sliding in next to Jensen and covering them up. 

Jensen relaxed against Jared and yeah Jared was still pretty hard and sex would be great but this was pretty awesome too, having Jensen curled up next to him in bed, just their naked bodies pressed against each other. 

“It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that I just have these weird things I can’t do,” Jensen said once they were settled. 

Jared thought back to the cotton ball incident in the store months back and then again when Jared had to throw them out once Jensen opened up the cabinet in the bathroom and couldn’t go back in there until they were gone. There wasn’t any rhyme or reason to it other than Jensen just couldn’t deal with it. Jared didn’t like cockroaches and it would be really hard for him to be in a room knowing there was one in there so Jared figured it was like that. 

But oral sex? Jared fucking loved oral sex, giving and receiving and it was a little harder to understand than cotton balls or riding in cars.

“So, no blowjobs for you?” Jared asked.

Jensen nodded, “No blowjobs, no rimming, I don’t like anything that involves your face near my junk.”

“Is there a reason why other than just because you don’t like it?” Jared asked, “I mean, it’s totally cool if there isn’t, I’m just curious.”

Shrugging, Jensen ran his finger over the sheet as he fidgeted, “Gentials in general are gross. They gross me out I can’t help that. When they’re interacting with each other, okay fine, I can deal with that but when you add a mouth into the equation it just squicks me out too much. And I know that sounds childish but it is what it is.”

“What about a blowjob to end things? Like if I sucked you off at the end and promised not to kiss you until after I brushed my teeth?” Out loud it sounded even crazier than it did in his head but he thought he’d give it a shot. No oral sex wasn’t a deal breaker but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little disappointed. 

Jensen tensed up a little, “I just don’t like it, okay?” annoyance apparent in his voice for the first time since they started talking, “If it’s a big deal to you, you can get them elsewhere and I won’t care, that’s what Christian did after trying to force me didn’t really pan out.”

“What?” Jared felt like he’d been punched in the gut, Jensen said it so nonchalantly like that wasn’t a big deal, “Jensen…”

“Jared please,” Jensen said, nerves kicking up a notch as he fidgeted next to Jared, “I’m not a child. It wasn’t like it sounded okay? I’m fine.”

“Okay well you don’t have to ever worry about me doing something that horrific to you,” Jared said, “That guy’s a jackass.”

“It was complicated,” Jensen said quietly leaving a sick feeling in Jared’s gut.

There was a lot about Jensen’s life that Jared didn’t know and anytime he tried to get Jensen to talk about it his anxiety would take over and Jensen would crash or shut down completely. He even tried telling Jensen about Reese, his own ex, but Jensen seemed to stop paying attention when their conversation drifted towards that topic. 

Loving Jensen was so easy but maintaining a relationship with him was challenging at times and sometimes it felt like he was doing most of the maintaining. But then there were times when Jared could see how hard Jensen was working too and how determined he was to make Jared happy. 

One time Jared woke up to Jensen drawing on his belly. Each drag of the pen tickled his skin but when he looked down at Jensen’s creation he saw a gorgeous and detailed illustration of a towering tree with long limbs and deep, twisted roots. It was similar to the tattoo on Jensen’s own back but under the protection of this tree’s branches was a small bird. It was bruised and battered with a broken wing and ruffled feathers but looked to be at peace in the care of the tree. 

“Is that how you see us?” Jared had asked.

Jensen blinked rapidly behind his lenses as he stared down at his work, the dark ink contrasted against Jared’s fading tan, he shrugged. 

Jared ran his fingers through Jensen’s sleep ruffled hair and smiled, “You are not broken Jensen but I will always be here to be your tree if you want me to be.”

Jensen’s lips quirked into a smile. 

Jared chuckled, “I didn’t mean for that to rhyme,” he reached over and grabbed his phone handing it to Jensen, “Here, take a picture. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo one day...only the bird won’t be broken.”

Later they fucked face to face for only the third time since they started sleeping together, with Jensen’s face buried in the crook of Jared’s neck as he rode him hard. 

In Jensen’s own way he found ways to express how he felt about Jared to him but there was still so much about Jensen that remained a mystery. His ex, who everyone except Jensen referred to as Kane, was the biggest mystery of it all. 

Jared was still hard when he finally fell asleep that night wrapped around Jensen who seemed to fall asleep within minutes of their conversation ending. 

In the coming weeks Jared made more of an effort to get to know Jensen’s friends and even found it enjoyable hanging out with Danneel and Jason but he and Steve were still having trouble seeing eye to eye. Jared promised he’d go to their gig though so after working out in the sun all day Jared sucked it up and took the lightrail downtown with Jensen.

Jared could hear how loud the bar was even from outside and shot a glance to Jensen wondering how he was going to fare once they got inside. Jensen had been extra fidgety all night but was doing his best to hide his anxiety from everyone. As they walked along the line outside, not having to wait in it themselves since they knew the band, Jared could hear Jensen firing off heights of people in harsh whispers. 

Inside people were crammed together like sardines by the darkened stage waiting for the band to come out. Danneel pulled them all up to the front, making people move so that they were all front and center for the band. The crowd was rowdy and loud, Jared’s ears were already ringing and the show hadn’t even started yet. He kept an eye on Jensen who looked like he was two seconds away from losing it with the way his eyes kept darting around and his hands were nonstop fidgeting. 

“I’ll be right back,” he said to Jared and quickly snaked his way towards the bathrooms. Jared watched him until he was out of sight then turned to Danneel. 

“He doesn’t usually come to shows, does he?”

Danneel shook her head, “He comes to probably three a year but other than that he just meets up with us after at the after party.”

Jared figured if Jensen was going to drag him to an after party then he would call Chad and tell him to bring Sophia. It was a party after all, the more the merrier right? And that way Jared could have more of a buffer between him and Steve.

When Jensen returned his eyes were a bit glazed and he looked up at Jared with a sleepy grin.

“Feel better?” Jared laughed. 

Jensen shrugged and sidled up next to Jared. Jared threw his arm around Jensen’s shoulders pulling him in close when the band took stage and the crowd went wild. 

The band was good and better than Jared had expected. Jared was even surprised at how much stage presence Steve had. The most impressive part of the whole thing was how into it their fans were. The entire sea of people moved together as one as the music washed over them in waves. The music was loud, it pounded throughout his whole body like a heartbeat, it was entrancing, and for a moment Jared lost himself in it. 

Bringing him back to reality was Jensen burying his face in Jared’s chest with his hands covering his ears. Jared wrapped his arms tightly around his boyfriend as Jensen vibrated with anxiety. 

It was way too loud to ask if Jensen needed to go some place quieter so he just had to trust Jensen would let him know on his own. But by the next song Jensen was already considerably calmer and was even able to lower his hands from his ears to wrap around Jared’s waist. So there they stood in the center of an obnoxious crowd of people wrapped in each other’s arms and happiness pulsated through his entire body to the beat of the music. They had found their balance in each other and Jared had never felt so strong than in that moment. He felt his and Jensen’s roots were growing together, keeping them grounded, and it made Jared’s head spin with love.

When the set was over after the band played two encore songs the crowd erupted in an uproarious applause of shrieks and yells. Jared thought the roof was going to blow off. 

Their group headed for the bar to order drinks. While they waited Jensen stayed in the circle of Jared’s arms the entire time making Jared’s heart flutter. When their drinks were ready they headed towards a table but Jensen stopped dead in his tracks.

“Shit,” Jensen breathed. 

He stared passed Jared’s shoulder the color draining from his face. 

“Fuck,” Danneel exclaimed. Jared shot her a glance and saw that she was looking in the same direction of Jensen. 

“What?” Jared said as he turned so he could see too. 

The bar was overflowing with people and no one stood out to him but then Danneel spoke his name and Jared’s stomach dropped.

“Kane.”

Jared immediately turned back to Jensen who was frozen in place, “Are you okay?”

Jared reached out and touched Jensen’s face which seemed to break him from his spell. Jensen looked away and shook his head, his shoulders hunched.

“I’m fine. I’ll be right back,” he said not looking up from the ground.

“Jensen, no,” Danneel said sternly, “Do not go over there.”

“I’m fine. I’ll be right back,” Jensen said again mimicking Danneel’s tone. 

Jared watched as Jensen pushed past them and walked up to another a man a ways down the bar. The man had long mangled brown hair that looked like he hadn’t washed it in weeks. Jared took a better look and it seemed the rest of the man hadn’t been washed in weeks either. There were dark circles under his eyes and it was evident that the lighting in the bar wasn’t the only thing making the man look haggard. 

“That’s Kane?” Jared asked in disbelief. He wasn’t really sure what he was expecting but he wasn’t expecting a man who looked like he could be homeless. 

Danneel let out a sigh, “Yep. This is bad news Jared.”

Jared watched as the two men embraced, a cold electricity coursed through him. Jensen didn’t look Kane in the eyes and shrugged at his words. Jared’s body went from cold to volcanic when Kane reached out and pulled at Jensen’s chin to make him look at him. 

Jared was ready to storm over when Danneel stopped him, “Don’t. You’ll just make it worse. He has to do this on his own.”

Jared’s heart hammered in his chest. Scorching lava flowed through his body as he stood staring at the two men. 

When Jensen returned with his shoulders even more hunched and eyes glued to the floor Jared couldn’t help but notice the space he left between him and Jared. 

“What’d he say?” Danneel asked.

Jensen shrugged, “Nothing.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Danneel murmured, “Come on, let’s go drink.”

They crammed into a table, Jared threw his arm around Jensen’s shoulders but when Jensen slinked away he pulled his arm back. Jensen didn’t say a single word the entire time they sat there, never raised his eyes from the table, and barely touched his beer. 

Danneel and Jared shared glances across the table each doing their best to act like they both didn’t see the giant, greasy haired, elephant in the room. 

Before long Steve and Jason showed up and after receiving their compliments Steve asked what was up with Jensen.

“Kane’s here,” Danneel explained.

“Dammit Jensen,” Steve thundered banging his fist on the table making Danneel’s empty martini glass shake. 

“Tell me you didn’t go talk to him,” Steve demanded and when Jensen had no response Steve got up and walked away. 

Jensen got up and walked away towards the door, the opposite direction as Steve.

“I guess we’re leaving,” Jared said to Danneel and Jason as he got up to follow Jensen outside. 

Jared had to jog a little to catch up to Jensen who was walking hurriedly along the sidewalk towards the lightrail. He didn’t say anything when Jared finally caught up and Jared didn’t feel the need to fill the silence. 

Their ride home was quiet, Jared had tried engaging in conversation but Jensen was not interested. 

“You were right, the band is pretty amazing,” Jared offered but was met with silence. “There was a ton of people there tonight. I was surprised they have such a huge following.”

Jensen didn’t respond, no grunt, no shoulder shrug, no nod, he just kept his head turned towards the window as the night flew by. 

“I’m glad I went. It was cool to see the guys up there and being amongst all those people was pretty thrilling too,” Jared continued to try, “Did you have a good time?”

Silence.

It felt like when he first met Jensen, like all his walls were back up, like he was so deep inside his head that he couldn’t even hear Jared talk. There was no warmth emitting from him, no light in his eyes, and it twisted Jared’s gut. 

He knew this was about who Jensen saw tonight he just didn’t know why. There was still so much he didn’t know about Kane. 

“So...that was Kane?” he said trying to sound casual, “Your friends really don’t seem to like him much but you guys didn’t seem…”

The lightrail shushed to a stop and Jensen immediately stood up heading for the door. Jared followed leaving the conversation behind. 

The three blocks back to their apartments were met were more silence. The air around them sticky with tension and with each step the sick feeling in Jared’s stomach grew stronger. 

When they reached their building Jensen hiked up the stairs to his door without a word and Jared was left standing there staring up at him feeling lost.

“So, goodnight, I guess,” Jared said but Jensen was already up the steps without a glance back. 

After showering the night away he shot Jensen a text goodnight but it was met with more silence. The silence from Jensen continued throughout the week, no texts, no calls, he didn’t answer his door when Jared went up to see if he wanted to eat, Jared didn’t see him between shifts at work. Before they’d gotten serious and Jared expressed that not hearing even a simple text message from him for days was worrying there would be periods of time when Jensen was so caught up in work that he’d go missing for a few days. But this was different. Jared wasn’t exactly sure how different but it felt different, it felt awful, and his stomach had yet to untangle from the night of the guys’ show. 

“I’m just worried about him,” Jared told Danneel over the phone, “You know the situation better than I do, should I be worried?”

Danneel sighed, “I think you and I should grab some coffee.”

When Jared arrived at the coffee shop Danneel was already sitting towards the back at one of the smaller tables. Jared didn’t even waste time ordering anything, he went over and sat across from her. He was anxious to find out more and found it difficult to be patient as Danneel sipped at her iced coffee. 

She rubbed her lips together then looked up at Jared, “Kane deals and I don’t just mean pot. I mean hard stuff. And he doesn’t just deal he also uses and he’s an alcoholic. He also has this weird fixation on Jensen and even though Jensen is one of the smartest and strongest people I know he’s incredibly stupid and weak when it comes to Kane. Has Jensen told you about his family?”

Jared nodded, “He said he ran away because they couldn’t understand him and he didn’t like the meds they put him on.”

“Yeah, well when he ran away he ran to Chris’. At first we were all happy Jensen had a place to go because we were still all too young to be able to help him ourselves and if Jensen showed up at our houses his parents would be able to find him...if they ever bothered to look.”

“But then it became obvious that Kane was taking advantage of Jensen’s mental state. God, Jared, you have no idea. You think you’ve seen Jensen on bad days but they are nothing compared to what Jensen was like coming off the meds his parents had him on especially when he started using because Kane told him it would make him feel better. Jensen trusted Kane.”

“Once he was addicted that was it. Jensen dropped everyone and everything because he needed that next hit from Kane. And the jackass would leave him strung out for days and he made it impossible for Jensen to leave.”

“Jesus Christ,” Jared breathed out, the anger from the night at the bar burned hotter in his belly. White hot rage blazed inside him.

“It gets worse,” Danneel said solemnly, “I don’t know if you could tell from when you saw him at the bar but he’s twelve years older than Jensen.”

“He was only fifteen,” Jared whispered putting it all together, “What kind of jackass gets a fifteen year old kid addicted to drugs? And what kind of grown man fucks a fifteen year old?”

Jared slammed his fist down on the table in anger making the left over ice in Danneel’s plastic cup rattle. Danneel put her palms down on the table as if to steady the table and looked up at Jared precariously. 

“We have to do something,” Jared whispered, all the anger draining from him and hopelessness filling him instead. 

“He’s not a fifteen year old kid anymore,” Danneel said not meeting Jared’s eye, “He has to do this on his own.”

Jared tried. He tried so hard to just let Jensen go but it was damn near impossible. Jensen was etched into every corner of Jared’s life. His clothes were in his laundry, his favorite foods were in his fridge, and a painting he’d done especially for Jared hung proudly in the living room. Everywhere Jared looked Jensen was there and it made his heart hurt. He didn’t know where Jensen was or if he was okay. Images of him in a crack house shooting up with awful people haunted him. He forced himself not to think or even picture Kane and what that jackass was probably doing. 

A week later Jared stood in his kitchen, staring blankly into his fridge trying to find some inspiration for dinner, when he thought he heard something upstairs. Rushing out of his apartment Jared didn't even stop to put on shoes and climbed the steps to Jensen's front door. 

Jared knocked softly on Jensen’s door and took a deep breath trying to calm his nerves. The last thing he needed was to explode the second Jensen opened the door and scare the shit out of him. 

After a minute and still no response from Jensen, Jared knocked again and called out to him, “Hey Jensen, it’s Jared from 1E.”

Jared smiled to himself at the dorky joke they’d had going and hoped Jensen caught it.

Jared heard shuffling behind the door then the door clicked open revealing an exhausted looking Jensen wearing a dark hoodie despite the warm weather. Jared didn’t recognize it making his stomach lurk.

“Hey,” Jared smiled as he leaned in and wrapped his arms tightly around Jensen’s body. Jensen stood tense in his arms and Jared tried to not take it personally. 

“Where have you been?” Jared asked trying to keep his voice light, “Haven’t seen you in awhile.”

Jensen shrugged as he stared down at the floor, “Been busy.”

Taking a peek inside Jared didn’t see any new paintings and knew it was a bullshit lie. Still, he wanted things back to normal, “That’s okay. Are you hungry? I was thinking of making some teriyaki stir-fry and I know it’s one of your favorites. You should…”

“Stop,” Jensen interrupted, shaking his head and closing his eyes tight, “Just stop Jared. I can’t okay and we can’t hang out anymore. I’m not really going to be around.”

The world felt like it was being tipped on its axis and Jared’s chest tightened making it hard to breathe, “Jensen, please, can we talk about this?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Is this about Kane?” Jared asked his heart thundering in his chest he wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear it from Jensen’s mouth but he needed to.

“It’s complicated. You wouldn’t understand. Just forget about me,” Jensen said, his emotions completely void and closed the door.

“Jensen! Don’t do this, please!” Jared begged behind the door, “I’m not going to forget about you Jensen! You’re better than this, you deserve more than this. I deserve more than this.”

Jared stood behind the door willing it to open. Hoping Jensen would come to his senses and let him in but the door stayed closed.

“Jensen…”

Every step Jared took had pain shooting through him because he missed Jensen so much. At work his mind was so scattered he’d already made a couple innocuous mistakes but in his line of work that could lead to something serious and dangerous. After taking a third hammer hit to his thumb he pocketed his hammer and told Morgan he was taking five.

“Yeah, me too Boss!” Chad called to Morgan, who nodded, and took off after Jared, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Jared grunted filling his bottle with water. Even with it being late in the year and the rest of the country cooling off with Fall rolling around it was still hot in Phoenix, the sun still strong enough to soak him with sweat. 

“Tell me this isn’t about Jensen. I like the guy, I do, but fuck him and his crazy.”

Jared turned, towering over Chad as he stared him down, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

"Don't I?" Chad continued, standing his ground under Jared's stare, "The guy left you, without a word, for his drug addict ex. You deserve better Jared. This is your chance to start over fresh."

"I don't want to start over again. I want Jensen. I want him home and safe. Don't I deserve that?" Jared asked broken. 

Chad looked up at Jared with concern in his eyes, voice quiet, "Yeah Jared, you do. But how long are you going to wait around."

"As long as it takes."

One night Jared couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning, as thoughts of Jensen flashed in his mind. When it came down to it he just wanted Jensen to be happy, wherever he was, whoever he was with, Jared just wanted him happy. Jared knew that when he was here with Jared it made Jared happy but sometimes people weren’t meant to stick around long-term. He clamped down on the thought of Jensen never coming back and instead revisited a happy memory. His mind dipped into a warm and comforting memory of them laying right where he was, in Jared’s bed. Jensen wasn’t always much of a cuddler but sometimes the mood struck and he’d wrap his arms around Jared, face pressed in Jared’s hair, and Jared could feel warm breath tickle the top of his head. 

“Will you sing for me?” Jared asked in the quiet. He’d never brought up Jensen’s singing to him before but couldn’t forget the beautiful voice he knew Jensen had. 

Jensen tensed slightly, “What?”

“Will you sing for me like you do in your apartment?”

“I don’t sing,” Jensen scoffed, sounding not at all convincing.

Jared smiled against Jensen’s chest as he ran his finger over Jensen’s inked skin, “Yes, you do. I’ve heard you several times up there.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You have a really good voice, Jensen,” Jared said earnestly before teasing, “You could be in Steve and Jason’s band, play at the bar with them.”

Jensen laughed lacking all humor, “Yeah, that would never happen, 1. I don’t sing, and 2. even if I did, I would never want to stand up on a stage and do it in front of a bunch of people.”

Jared nuzzled in closer breathing in the earthly scent of Jensen and smiled, “Just in bed with your boyfriend you love.” 

Jensen squirmed and Jared bit back on a chuckle. He pressed a kiss to Jensen’s skin and felt sleep start to pull him down.

Jared didn’t expect it but Jensen started to sing, low and quiet at first,  
“I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?”

Jared was awestruck, body flooding with warmth as Jensen continued on a little higher and smooth as silk,  
“It goes like this  
The fourth, the fifth  
The minor fall, the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah”

Tears sprung to Jared’s eyes just like they’d done that night except this time it was from sadness. As he cried himself to sleep he couldn’t get Jensen out of his mind and his whole body ached as he missed him. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Everyone was telling him Jensen needed to do this on his own, whatever “this” was, but every fiber of his being was yelling at him to get up and go find him.

He ignored it and just let himself cry. Jensen had been clear about Jared leaving him alone and the last thing he wanted to do was make things worse. 

The following week Jared pulled into the apartment’s parking lot and glanced up to Jensen’s door like he always did usually to find it closed but this time it was ajar. He threw the truck into park and bolted up the stairs. 

“Jensen?” Jared called, pushing the door further open, “Jensen? It’s Jared.”

When he heard no reply he took a step inside and looked around. The thing about Jensen’s apartment was that it never felt like a home. It was always a work place. With all the ventilation it needed because of the paint it was always stuffy and warm despite the AC. The only place in Jensen’s apartment to relax was Jensen’s twin sized bed in his bedroom. The lumpy and worn couch in the corner of the living room only served as a place to sit for a few minutes before your back started to hurt. 

He looked around and couldn’t tell if Jensen had stopped by or not but either way, someone had been there since the door had been open. Jared closed it and went to Jensen’s kitchen to see if he’d been eating anything while home but the fridge and freezer were bare.

There was a knock at the door startling Jared.

Jared peered through the eyehole in the door to see Jensen’s art dealer Misha standing outside dressed in a nice suit. When he opened the door Misha tilted his head slightly and drew his eyebrows together in confusion.

“I’m sorry, this is Jensen’s apartment right?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” Jared said waving him inside, “You’re Misha, right? Jensen’s art dealer?”

Misha took a step inside and looked around suspiciously, “I’m sorry, who are you?”

“I’m Jared,” Jared greeted with his hand extended, “a friend...I guess.”

“Where’s Jensen?” Misha asked without returning the handshake. Misha seemed very serious like he had nothing but business on the mind and Jared found it to be kind of ridiculous.

Jared pulled his hand back and ran his fingers through his hair, “Ah well, I don’t know if you know who Kane is?”

Misha’s face fell immediately, “Ah man! Are you serious? Ah, Jensen you stupid fuck.”

Jared watched as the man’s entire demeanor dropped like an invisible serious business mask had dropped revealing the real Misha underneath.

“Yeah, that seems to be most people’s reaction,” Jared replied with a sigh.

“Fuck,” Misha exclaimed as he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth.

“What’d you need him for? To get new paintings?” Jared asked as he walked over to an easel, “I’m pretty sure he has a few that are finished.”

Shaking his head Misha walked over to the counter in Jensen’s kitchen and pulled out a packet of papers, “No, I need his signature for these charities.”

“Charities?” Jared asked looking down at the pile of papers.

“Yeah, all the money Jensen donates.”

Now Jared was the confused one, “Jensen’s never mentioned donating money.”

Laughing Misha smacked Jared on the shoulder, “That’s because Jensen’s not an arrogant son of a bitch. You see, Jensen does really well with his art. He makes enough money to have one of those houses up on Camelback Mountain, or two, but instead he lives in this shithole, no offense.”

“None taken.”

Misha continued to explain, “Jensen donates at least half his earnings to different local charities.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, he single-handedly funds the art program at one of the nearby schools so that they can continue to have art classes. He donates to the art therapy program at Phoenix Children’s Hospital, the Arizona Autism Coalition, and a foster group home for Autistic kids who’ve been abandoned by their families.”

Jared was speechless.

“Then there’s the college fund he set up for Danneel’s kid,” Misha said before shrugging, “but I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about that. Don’t tell Danneel, okay?”

Eyes wide Jared tried to process everything Misha was telling him, “Danneel doesn’t know that Jensen’s got a college fund set up for her kid?”

“No, and as far as I’m concerned, you don’t either,” Misha said pointedly and Jared nodded, understanding.

“But,” Misha sighed, “if he’s back with that fuckhead Kane then chances are he’s going to start blowing his money on their joint coke addiction, fucking bastard.”

Jared didn’t know what to say. He knew being with Kane was bad news and not just because of how painful it was for Jared to think of Jensen with someone else but because he knew the vices Kane had. His stomach twisted and he felt sick, Jared couldn’t think of a worse feeling than being so helpless in such a messed up situation. 

“I’m going to leave these here,” Misha said motioning to the papers, “If he shows up make him sign them and then call me.”

“Will do,” Jared said as he walked Misha to the door.

After stepping outside Misha turned, “We both know Jensen’s a great guy, there’s just a part of him that makes really stupid decisions when it comes to Kane. Don’t give up on him.”

Jared nodded.

A part of Jared wished Jensen was a shitty person because then it would make it so much easier to just forget him, let him continue making terrible decisions. But Jensen had a compassionate heart, one that he didn’t want recognition for, and it killed Jared to know that somewhere Jensen was throwing his life away.

Weeks went by, Jared went to work each day with his mind constantly drifting back to Jensen, he went home keeping his eyes open for Jensen and kept his tv low hoping to hear some form of life upstairs. Chad dragged him out a few nights to a bar where a lot of the guys from work hung out. Jared laughed along and drank the beer but he missed Jensen every second. The situation sat heavy in his stomach, twisting him up inside, because he knew things weren’t right. He knew that wherever Jensen was he wasn’t happy, that he wasn’t safe, and it ate Jared alive knowing he wasn’t doing anything about it. 

The couch felt lumpy as he laid there one night after work mindlessly watching something on tv. He really should have gone to bed hours ago but he couldn’t shut his mind off. As he flipped through the channels there was a loud thump followed by an “Oh shit” somewhere outside. It sounded like it came from upstairs. 

Jared’s heart lept from his chest as he strained to hear more. It didn’t really sound like Jensen but the longer he listened the more obvious it was someone was making their way up to Jensen’s apartment. 

Jumping from the couch Jared slipped on his shoes ignoring his laces and flung his door open before racing up the stairs. 

Jensen’s door was wide open. The inside of his apartment pitch black. Jared wished he’d grabbed a bat or something on his way out because he wasn’t sure what to expect to find. 

Jared listened as the dragging sound stopped and a man grunted before another thump.

“Don’t say I never did anything for ya, Jenny.” The voice inside the apartment said. 

Jared’s stomach dropped as a fire lit under his skin. Jared stepped inside the door and felt along the wall for the light switch before flicking it on. 

“What the hell?” The man inside yelled as he stood over a limp body...Jensen...he stood over an unconscious Jensen who appeared to be as white as milk. 

Jared stormed over to the man, grabbed him by the collar, and pushed him against the wall, “Who the fuck are you? What the fuck did you do to Jensen?”

Jared was seething, his voice dark as fury vibrated through his entire being. 

The man in Jared’s grip struggled to free himself, “‘m no one pal and Jensen’s fine….just...whatever you do don’t take him to the hospital, okay?”

Jared slammed the guy harder into the wall and stared into the man’s blown wide pupils, his face scarred, and nose raw, “Don’t you ever fucking come here, ever again, you hear me? You come back here and you’re dead.”

Jared waited for a response from the junkie but the guy blankly stared back.

“I fucking said you come back here and I’ll kill you. Do I make myself clear?” Jared barked. 

The guy nodded his head vigorously and Jared dropped him.

“Now get the fuck out of here,” Jared demanded as he turned toward Jensen on the couch. Jensen smelled like a vomit filled ashtray. His appearance was striking and it made the pit in Jared’s stomach grow bigger. Jensen’s skin was so pale and cold to the touch, his lips were badly cracked and blue, his face gaunt. He looked dead. Jared’s hands shook as he reached to touch him.

Scared of what he might find Jared held his fingers to Jensen’s throat. It wasn’t much but there under his paper thin skin was a flicker of a heartbeat.

“Jensen wake up!” Jared called jostling Jensen gently, “Please, Jensen, you gotta wake up baby, please!”

Jared begged, tears springing to his eyes as he continued trying to bring Jensen back from unconsciousness. 

“Jensen, I need you to wake up,” Jared’s voice broke, “Please Jensen, wake up. You gotta wake up. I need...God Jensen please…”

Shoving his hand into his pocket he pulled out his phone and called for an ambulance. 

“What did he take?” the older paramedic asked once they got there and the younger ones were attending to Jensen.

“I don’t know,” Jared answered unable to peel his eyes away from where they were putting Jensen onto a stretcher.

“How long has he been out?” 

“Um,” Jared started clearing his throat, finding it hard to focus on anything but where Jensen lay motionless, “I don’t know. I wasn’t with him when it happened.”

His stomach twisted violently at the thought. 

The next few hours were a blur inside the hospital. Jensen was hooked up to IVs and getting blood drawn, still completely unresponsive but his heart was still beating so Jared clung to that. Somewhere amidst all of the chaos of the emergency room Jared phoned Danneel, it was 3 o’clock in the morning but knew she’d want to know. 

Within the hour she, along with Steve and Jason, showed up, “How’s he doing?”

Jared shrugged staring down at Jensen who looked to be sleeping peacefully despite the IVs and tube of oxygen under his nose, “Doc says it was heroin.”

Danneel gasped as she brought her hand to her lips.

“Jesus Christ,” Steve trembled.

They were all quiet for a moment, Jared not trusting his voice to speak, he was tired of crying, and he didn’t know what else to say. It had all been so much worse than Jared had ever imagined. He sat with his fingers laced with Jensen’s willing him to wake up. 

“He’d never done heroin before,” Steve said breaking the silence. 

Jared looked up and really looked at Steve for the first time that night. He stood with his shoulders hunched, hands shoved into the front pockets of his jeans, eyebrows drawn together as he looked at Jensen in the hospital bed, and the rest of his face void. It was then Jared remembered he wasn’t the only one in Jensen’s life to deeply care for him. Here he had four people at their wits end and full of worry for the man they all loved. 

Steve pulled his eyes from Jensen and met them with Jared’s, “They used to do coke. It was their drug of choice with the occasional ecstasy trip or prescription pills but Jensen never did heroin. I don’t think Kane even did heroin back then.”

Steve turned his gaze back to Jensen as his face fell and his voice shook, “This...this is new.”

Danneel stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Steve’s middle as he shook with silent tears. 

The four of them stayed close by Jensen’s side until it was morning. 

“I hate to leave but I can’t miss work,” Jason said solemnly.

“I’ll take you home,” Steve said as he stood from his chair. 

Jared glanced their way, everyone’s else rimmed red and dark circles had emerged, “He’ll understand and I’ll call if anything changes.”

Danneel stuck around a little bit longer until she had to leave to relieve her mom from babysitting. Soon Jared was alone with a still unconscious Jensen and the constant beeping of the machines he was hooked up to. 

Jared was on the verge of dozing off for the hundredth time when Jensen started coughing softly. 

Jared sprung awake, “Hey Jensen, hey, you’re okay.”

Jensen eyes were wide as his coughing grew harsher and Jared could tell he was starting to panic. 

“Jensen you’re okay, you’re in the hospital but you’re fine,” Jared tried to soothe. 

A nurse came through the door and started checking on him. Jared backed up to give her some room.

“Jared,” Jensen coughed, his voice ragged like gravel, “Jared don’t let them, please. Don’t let them.”

Jared moved to the other side of the bed and grabbed Jensen’s hand, “It’s okay Jensen, she’s going to help you.”

“Please no, don’t let them!” Jensen cried.

“I’m sorry baby she has to,” Jared sniffed, “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

The hospital ended up keeping him another day for observation and he had to speak with a psychiatrist who determined whether or not he was a risk to himself. Jensen had told Jared it wasn’t what it looked like but beyond that they hadn’t really talked much about what “it” was. A part of Jared didn’t want to upset Jensen, just wanted to get him well enough to take home, and then they could figure this out. He hated seeing Jensen in the hospital bed.

When Jensen was released there wasn’t any question about where he was going and who was taking him. Jensen didn’t protest to going home with Jared and Jared tried not to get his hopes up about it. He kept telling himself that there was a still a chance that Jensen wasn’t going to want to go back to how things were between them.

“When they discharge you,” Jared started nervously, “will you please come stay with me?” 

Jensen was sitting up in the hospital bed looking just passed Jared’s shoulder until he closed them tightly and nodded his head.

Jared let out a sigh of a relief and grabbed Jensen’s icy hand which Jensen didn’t pull away but instead ran his thumb along Jared’s skin. 

“I have missed you so much, Jensen,” Jared confessed, trying hard to keep his emotions in check, “I just want you to be safe and get better. You don’t deserve to be in the hospital like this.”

“I deserve to be dead,” Jensen said flatly.

Jared swallowed hard around that statement.

“Hey,” Jared tugged at Jensen’s hand until he opened his eyes and briefly made eye contact with Jared before moving his eyes to Jared’s chest, “You know that isn’t true. I don’t know what I would do if you were dead and I don’t want to even think about that. You hear me?”

Jensen nodded. 

“I know you love me Jensen,” Jared said feeling Jensen tense a little, “I can feel it right here.”

Jared moved their hands to Jared’s chest where his steady and strong heart beat beneath his skin.

“And I love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and we can make this work.”

He did, he loved Jensen, every single thing about him, and he loved him despite the past two months. Jared was so happy to have Jensen in his life again, to know he was safe, and on the road to getting better. 

Jensen tightened his grip on Jared’s hand. 

“So you’ll come home and let me take care of you?” Jared asked hopeful.

Jensen nodded and Jared got up to wrap his arms around Jensen’s shaking shoulders. 

When Jensen was finally discharged he curled into a ball once they got into Jared’s car, closed his eyes tight behind his glasses, and braced himself for the ride. Jared tried to take the drive as gentle as he could but he was also anxious to get Jensen home. 

They pulled up to their apartment complex and Jared cut the engine. 

“I’m so happy you’re home,” Jared confessed, watching as Jensen slowly softened in his chair and opened his eyes. He still looked ragged as hell, dark circles under his eyes, hair that needed washing, and skin that looked like it hadn’t seen the sun in months, but he was still beautiful. He was still Jensen. 

Jensen nodded and stared down at his hands, “I’m sorry, Jared.”

Chewing on the inside of his cheek Jared pushed down on the urge to cry. He nodded and cleared his throat, “We can, uh, talk about that later.”

They made their way inside and Jared lead Jensen to his bedroom. Jensen had slept most of the time in the hospital but Jared could tell he was still exhausted by the way his body moved easy under Jared’s hands guiding him down onto the mattress. Jared crawled in after him wrapping an arm around his chest and was relieved when Jensen melted back into him. Before Jared knew it they were both drifting off to sleep. 

When Jared woke Jensen had turned over facing him looking up into his eyes. His glasses were still on the nightstand, eyes a shiny bright green that Jared had missed so much. Jensen leaned up and pressed his lips to Jared’s. They were still dry and cracked but Jared relished in it kissing Jensen back hoping he understood what he was feeling. Jared was hurt and exhausted but he was so happy Jensen was back and safe. His heart ached at the thought of what Jensen had been through and how close they came to losing him. He wanted Jensen to know that at the end of the day what he wanted most for Jensen was that he was happy. 

“I’m so sorry,” Jensen whispered when they broke apart before closing his eyes and burrowing his head in Jared’s neck.

“I need you to tell me what happened,” Jared said, “I need to know.”

Jensen nodded and pulled his head back but kept his eyes on Jared’s chest, “I don’t remember it. That night.”

“You were gone for weeks.”

“No, I know. I’m such a fuck up. I used to have some really bad habits. When I lived with Chris I didn’t care about anything except when my next hit was going to be. I completely lost myself and let the drugs take over. I somehow pulled myself out of it and I’ve been dealing with the addiction ever since but then when he showed up at the guys’ show all of that itching returned. I couldn’t think about anything else after that. It’s like all it took were a few words from him and I was right back where I used to be.”

“I’m so sorry Jared,” Jensen said again trying to keep his voice calm, “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough, that I fucked up and put you through so much. I don’t deserve to be here now with you. You deserve someone who isn’t such a mess.”

Jensen kept his face tight but tears still managed to slip from his eyes and down his cheeks. He kept his eyes trained on Jared’s chest and Jared could feel him vibrate with anxiety. Jared wrapped his arms tightly around Jensen’s shoulders pulling him in close to his chest. Jensen burrowed in and returned the embrace, holding on with all his strength, as more tears spilled from his eyes.

When Jensen calmed down, he pulled back, eyes rimmed red and slightly puffy. He still looked exhausted. Jared watched him, watched the way his eyelashes, stuck together from tears, kissed the top of his cheeks each time he blinked, the way he ran his tongue over the broken flesh of his bottom lip, and Jared knew that no matter what, the man before him meant so much. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for Jensen. 

Jensen looked up, meeting Jared’s eyes briefly, and then pressed his hand flat against Jared’s chest, fingers cold enough to feel under the cotton of Jared’s shirt. His face softened for the first time in a long time, smile even tugging at the corner of his mouth, but he kept his eyes trained where his hand stayed on Jared’s chest. 

“What?” Jared asked. 

Jensen bit down on a smile and shook his head. Jared leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to Jensen’s lips making him laugh softly. 

“Tell me,” Jared said, the smile apparent in his voice. 

Jensen burrowed between Jared and the pillow and shook his head again. Jared couldn’t believe how playful Jensen was suddenly, it made his heart jump and he was dying to know what was going through Jensen’s brilliant mind. 

Jared pressed his nose to Jensen’s neck and let his lips drag along his warm skin, “Please tell me.”

“It’s dumb,” Jensen murmured into the pillow, “really dumb.”

“I don’t care,” Jared whispered, lips ghosting Jensen’s ears pulling a shiver from him. 

Keeping his face buried Jensen finally spoke, “I’m the screw up of this movie but I wasn’t the one to realize it until after you saved me.”

Jensen fidgeted for a minute before pulling his head free and this time looking straight into Jared’s eyes, “I’m so sorry.”

Jared’s heart fluttered with how open and vulnerable Jensen was being and he couldn’t resist wrapping his arms around him. He rolled them over and stared down at the only man to ever make him feel so crazy and alive. Jared bent low pressing a hard kiss to Jensen’s full mouth, deep and saving, until they were breathless. 

Jared nudged at Jensen’s cheek with his nose like a dog, “Well then I guess it’s a good thing the sequel’s just now starting.”

 

 

*Epilogue*

Jared woke up to an empty bed, the sun peeking in through the window warming the room on a lazy Saturday. He got up, pulled on his jeans from the night before and made his way into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. 

“Sadie!” Jared yelled as he shuffled into the living room. When he heard no sound of nails clicking on the hardwood floor he figured she was already out. He went back into the kitchen to get the coffee and headed into the backyard. The lush grass was cool beneath his feet, still a little wet with the morning dew shaded by the big trees. Across the yard was the garage with the door cracked open. Inside Jensen stood staring at his newest piece propped up on his trusted easel. Their 3 year old pup, Sadie, curled up at his feet. He was barefoot but dressed in paint splattered jeans and one of Jared's sweatshirts that hung loose on Jensen, the sleeves pushed up past his elbows. 

Jared stood for just a moment to watch Jensen so immersed in his work and thought back over the past couple of months. It hadn't taken much convincing to move back up to Flagstaff with Jensen. Jared started looking for places that had space for Jensen to create a studio and eventually they found one. 

The anxiety of not only moving but moving to a new city just about threw Jensen into a tailspin but like with everything Jensen managed. He even humored Jared's suggestion about adopting a dog and when they went to the shelter Sadie immediately chose her new owners by never leaving Jensen's side. It was something that even now she never stopped doing. To Jensen's surprise he found it calming to have a dog throughout the day and taught her specific commands. 

Eventually they found their rhythm, not much different from living in Phoenix but instead of two apartments they lived in a house they shared with a big backyard that housed a garage for Jensen’s studio. Jensen was still adjusting to their new life but Jared could tell that Jensen had never felt this free. 

They had the guys and Danneel come up every couple of weekends, they had dinner with Jared’s mom about once week, and even Jensen’s art dealer Misha made an appearance once a month to pick up new pieces to sell. Their life wasn’t perfect, Jensen dealt with his anxieties every single day and Jared still felt like he was floating through life without a specific purpose but they did it together and that’s all that mattered.


End file.
